FUQ Forwards™

Ed note: This was posted on my old site in 2004. Every time you think we are making progress in computing, read this

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages:

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
————————-
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
————————–
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
—————————–
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
——————————
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
——————————–
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
———————————
First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
———————————
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
——————————–
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
———————————
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
———————————
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
———————————
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
———————————
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
——————————–
Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.
———————————
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

…do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

…do people order double-cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

…do we buy hot dogs packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

…do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

…do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Ed. note: Guts is telling your wife who sent this to you that the logic is flawed since it states it is a medical definition then ends with the note that there is no medical difference. Balls is asking “so what should my answer be”? Which leads to a medical condition known as castration.

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ‘Are you  still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’

BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling  of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say:  ‘You’re next, Chubby.’

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome. Both result in instant death.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

1. On Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping”. [Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair]

2. On a bag of Fritos: “You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.” [Evidently, the shoplifter special]

3. On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap. [And that would be how...?]

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestions: Defrost.” [But it's *just* a suggestion]

5. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): “Do not turn upside down”. [Oops, too late!]

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating”. [As sure as night follows the day]

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body”. [But wouldn't this save even more time?]

8. On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication”. [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.]

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness” [One would hope]

10. On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only”. [As opposed to what?]

11. On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use”.[I gotta admit, I'm curious].

12. On Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: Contains nuts”. [NEWS FLASH]

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.” [Step 3: Fly Delta]

14. On a child’s Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” [I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!]

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to
make love again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance
apart to keep you on the edge of
financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn’t appreciate the
strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even
though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and
to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby’s face turns red and she begins to
make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house…

WEEKEND: when Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry,
cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O. J. trials were a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm reboot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On key.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody’s got are yuppie food stamps,"

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from thtocopies from one’s workplace.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O. J. trials were a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm reboot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On key.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody’s got are yuppie food stamps,"

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located."

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

OHSHITSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.

Ed. note: Reminder, the archives from the old blog are coming in reverse order, so don’t drive yourself nuts if you don’t find “Misc Quips 1″ right away

The Dark Ages were caused by the Y1K problem.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I don’t have a license to kill but I do have a learners permit.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

I like cats too. Let’s exchange recipes.

Time is fun when you’re having flies… Kermit

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on.

If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven’t met everybody.

All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though.

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you’re built upside down.

Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes?

Taxation WITH representation ain’t much fun either.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

Gun Control: Use both hands.

Remember: First you pillage then you burn.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.

Half the people in the world are below average.

Failure is not an option. It’s bundled with your software.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Strip mining prevents forest fires.

I’m pretty sure that sex is better than logic but I can’t prove it.

Arkansas State Motto: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Laugh

A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times more memory!

If a thing is worth doing wouldn’t it have been done already?

If we weren’t meant to eat animals why are they made of meat?

Ham and Egn’t much fun either.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

Gun Control: Use both hands.

Remember: First you pillage then you burn.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.

Half the people in the world are below average.

Failure is not an option. It’s bundled with your software.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Strip mining prevents forest fires.

I’m pretty sure that sex is better than logic but I can’t prove it.

Arkansas State Motto: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Laugh

A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times more memory!

If a thing is worth doing wouldn’t it have been done already?

If we weren’t meant to eat animals why are they made of meat?

Ham and Eggs. Just a day’s work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment for a pig.

11 years in the state, and I still felt like a foreigner…gee, I miss those folks!

• You think of Philadelphia as the “deep south.”
• You think it’s your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic.
• You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R).
• You think three straight days of 90+ is a heat wave.
• All your pets are named after Celtic hall of famers.
• You refer to 6 inches of snow as a “dusting.”
• Just hearing the words “New York” puts you in an angry frenzy.
• You don’t think you have an attitude.
• You know the significance of 1918.
• Everything in town is “a five minute walk.”
• When out of town, you think the natives of the area you’re visiting are all whacked
• You still can’t bear to watch highlights from game 6 of the 1986 World Series.
• You have no idea what the word compromise means.
• You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
• You don’t realize that you talk twice as fast as everyone else.
• You’re anal, neurotic, spasmatic and stubborn.
• You think if someone is nice to you, they must want something or are from out of town.
• Your favorite adverb is “wicked.”
• You think 63-degree ocean water is warm.
• You think the Kennedy’s are misunderstood.
• You say you went to Dahtmouth and you mean the state college in southahn Massachusetts.
• You can’t say the name Bill Bucknah without some sort of expletive preceding, following, or coming between his name (or all three).
• You considah any trip outside 495 going abroad.
• You have nevah been outside route 495.
• You have nevah used a turn signal.
• You have a mullet cut.
• You know what town the automile is in–and which cah dealah says “Come on down!!” You like this site.
• Drinkin’ th2Fli>
• You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
• You don’t realize that you talk twice as fast as everyone else.
• You’re anal, neurotic, spasmatic and stubborn.
• You think if someone is nice to you, they must want something or are from out of town.
• Your favorite adverb is “wicked.”
• You think 63-degree ocean water is warm.
• You think the Kennedy’s are misunderstood.
• You say you went to Dahtmouth and you mean the state college in southahn Massachusetts.
• You can’t say the name Bill Bucknah without some sort of expletive preceding, following, or coming between his name (or all three).
• You considah any trip outside 495 going abroad.
• You have nevah been outside route 495.
• You have nevah used a turn signal.
• You have a mullet cut.
• You know what town the automile is in–and which cah dealah says “Come on down!!” You like this site.
• Drinkin’ the good shit means Cooahs instead of Cooahs Lite.