FUQ Forwards™

The First Sergeant noticed a new private one day and and barked at him to come into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the First Sergeant asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.

The First Sergeant scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they’re teaching troops in Basic today, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my privates by their last name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that’s all. I am to be referred to only as ‘First Sergeant.’ Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, First Sergeant!”

“Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling, First Sergeant!”

“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”

On their first night together, a newlywed couple gets ready for bed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing a beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.” The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished with her beauty.

“Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.” Puzzled she asks, “MY picture?” He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever.”

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why are you wearing a robe, we are married now.” The man opens his robe and she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”. He beams and asks, “So you may keep it with you at all times, too?”

She answers, “No. So I can get it enlarged”!

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

An athletic-looking man in a sports letter jacket raised his hand and answered, “Coach?”

A drunken man who smelled like booze sat down on a subway bench next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, and infrequent  bathing.”

The drunk muttered in response “Well, I’ll be darned!” Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Men, Women and Donkeys

Equation 1

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore,
Human = Donkey + work + enjoy

Therefore,
Human – enjoy = Donkey + work

In other words,
Human that don’t know how to enjoy = Donkey that work

Equation 2

Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore,
Men = Donkeys + earn money

Therefore,
Men – earn money = Donkeys

In other words,
Men that don’t earn money = Donkeys

Equation 3

Women = eat + sleep + spend
Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore,
Women = Donkeys + spend

Therefore,
Women – spend = Donkeys

In other words,
Women that don’t spend = Donkeys

To Conclude:

From Equation 2 and Equation 3
Men that don’t earn money = Women that don’t spend.

So, Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys! (Postulate 1)

And, Women spend not to let men become Donkeys! (Postulate 2)

So, we have?
Men + Women = Donkeys + earn money + Donkeys + spend money

Therefore from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude,
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

Each Friday night after work, Santa Singh would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbours were strict Catholics … and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest.

The Priest came to visit Santa, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Santa attended Mass … and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, “You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now dear, you are a Catholic.”

Santa’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighborhood again. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Santa’s backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted:
“Oye, you waz born a chicken, and you waz born a lamb, you waz raised a chicken, and you waz raised a lamb but now dears…. you are a potato and tomato”!

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight seeing tour with a very rich [foreign] king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, …don’t reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, “I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara.”
The king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, “No problem!! I have. I have.”

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, “I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.”
The  king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, “Okay, okay. I build. I build.”

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, “Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis.”

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in his native dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, “Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.”

More cultural diversity sources. I believe that “Resources Manager” is equal to “Pointy-Haired Boss”, and that some truths are universal

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a Resources Manager make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” said the woman.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”

“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…”

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

“Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

“So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,”

The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil looked at her smiled and told…

“Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re an Employee”

It’s sometimes interesting to note the variance in humor from one culture to another

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me! “The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much. The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. For the last 25 years I drove a [hearse].”

3 Irishmen and 3 Englishmen are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the 3 Englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the 3 Irishmen buy only a single ticket. “How are 3 people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one Englishman. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers one Irishman. They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three Irishmen cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Englishmen saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Irishmen on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Irishmen don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed Englishman. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers a Irishman.
When they board the train the 3 Englishmen cram into a restroom and the 3 Irishmen cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Irishmen leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”