FUQ Forwards™

11. No one ever steals your chair.
10. Gives bad hair day a whole new meaning.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.
7. So that you can add Exotic Dancer to your exaggerated resume.
6. You want to see if it’s like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy guys from looking down your blouse.
4. I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person.
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

and (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00am.”

They may have heard something like this:

MONA LISA’S JEWISH MOTHER: “After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?”

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS’ JEWISH MOTHER: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you didn’t call, you didn’t write.”

MICHELANGELO’S JEWISH MOTHER: “A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?”

NAPOLEON’S JEWISH MOTHER: “You’re not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!”

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S JEWISH MOTHER: “Again with that hat! Why can’t you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S JEWISH MOTHER: “Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

THOMAS EDISON’S JEWISH MOTHER: “Okay, so I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!”

PAUL REVERE’S JEWISH MOTHER: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!”

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S JEWISH MOTHER: “Your senior photograph and you couldn’t have done something with your hair?”

MOSES’ JEWISH MOTHER: “Desert, schmesert!! Where have you really been for the last forty years?”

BILL GATES’ JEWISH MOTHER: “It would have killed you to become a doctor?”

BILL CLINTON’S JEWISH MOTHER: “Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica!”

(editor’s note: I added the “Stereotypical” as the person who came up with this is probably not aware that some of these people really did have a Jewish mother)

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no).Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth (you don’t use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
15. Pee (in the shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire wiener size again.
19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the woo-woo sound again.
22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror — make mental note — must do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off the shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend and hour and a half getting dressed.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.

Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

“Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?”

When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Mary Margaret .

The Nun said, “Very good” and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”

But she didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, “Very good,” and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question…

“What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted,

“If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”

The Nun fainted

The Cavendish Nuclear Physics Department of the University of Cambridge has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 – 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each re-organization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration! .

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that absorbs just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. ‘Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint, and we’re Jewish,’ she asks, ‘Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says: ‘No, I don’t think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?’

‘Osama Bin Laden,’ she says.

‘Why Osama Bin Laden?’ her father asks in shock.

‘Well,’ she says, ‘I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.’

Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. ‘Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.’

‘I know, ‘ Melissa says, ‘and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker.’

The original posting on my original blog went up at on a more seasonably appropriate date. However, as my current boss seems to think she is an angel for sending me from the Carolinas to Chicago for the month of January, so it still seems timely to me this morning while it is a balmy 7 degrees outside

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual Christmas run but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground scattering the toys all over the place. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw bristles.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Ain’t no such thing

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000″
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing …. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

Sent to my by my favorite Irish lass, who got it from another…

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end..

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love… I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry… How soon can I go home?’

Happy Mental Health Day!

You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend.

…I think she meant me