Archive for October, 2009

Santa is an Anagram

Thursday, October 29th, 2009

This post reminds me to mention that I make up my own titles, so if they make you chuckle, please donate 😉

Deer Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I’v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend,
Billy

Dear Billy
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa
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Dear Santa
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa
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Dear Santa
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy
Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.
Santa
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Dear Santa
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,Francis

Dear Francis
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays. I bet you’re gay. I’ll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m skipping your house.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again.
Santa
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Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house; you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa

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Guys Never Learn

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will this take?” I asked.

“They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.

I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”

Without missing a beat he says “Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

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Senior Engineer

Tuesday, October 27th, 2009

This one looks like a true story, which makes it even more of an answer to a FUQ

A true inspiration

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make a difference” in the world.  It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other “seniors” who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.  Harold Sclumberg is such a person.

“I’ve often been asked, ‘What do you old folks do now that you’re retired’? Well, I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, vodka, and margaritas into urine.

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Dumb Yankees

Tuesday, October 27th, 2009

<em>You know this is going to go bad for non-Southerners when the author felt it necessary to explain the definition of “fixin'”.  I’m reckonin’ this was sent to me as ’cause I’m a gonna move to North Carolina. If them damn Yankees only knew I was fixin’ to move to get the hell away from them…</em>

A very gentle Southern lady was driving across  the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared  the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ (ready) to  jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and  said, “Please don’t jump, think of your dear mother and father.”
He replied, “Mom and Dad are both dead; I’m going to jump.”
She said, “Well, think of your wife and  children.”
He replied, “I’m not married and I don’t have any kids.”
She said, “Well, think of Robert E. Lee.”
He  replied, ”Who’s Robert E. Lee?”
She replied, ”Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee.”

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Wife Solution

Friday, October 23rd, 2009

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, “Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises….

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25 Things Boys Will Teach Their Parents

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009
  1. A king size water bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
  2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
  3. A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
  4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.
  5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
  6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
  7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.
  8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
  9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
  10. Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy..
  11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
  12. Super glue is forever.
  13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
  14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
  15. VCR’s do not eject “PB & J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
  16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
  17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
  18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
  19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
  20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
  21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
  22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
  23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
  24. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
  25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
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Curative Powers Of Hypnosis

Tuesday, October 20th, 2009

A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.” “No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?” His wife replies, “Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat ‘I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.’ It worked! The headaches are all gone.” The husband replies, “Well, that is wonderful.”

His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?” The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up h is wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful!”

The husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back.”He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, “She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife!”

Services will be held on Monday.

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Religious Reminder

Monday, October 19th, 2009

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After ! I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right ?”

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”

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Snow is a Four-Letter Word

Sunday, October 18th, 2009

In celebration of the recent snow in my previous state of residence 🙂

Back before email was generally available, I received this in fax form. At the time it was slanted around people who moved East after the Northridge earthquake (which I did, though not for that reason on my half). Thankfully, someone sent me the email version today:

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska , after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt ’til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2″ of snow today, and it warmed up to “0”. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What,is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she’s lying.

December 24: 6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31: I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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Blonde Survival Skills

Friday, October 16th, 2009

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

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