Archive for October, 2009

The Birds and the Bytes

Thursday, October 15th, 2009

Sign of the times?
A little boy goes to his father and asks “Daddy, how was I born?”
The father answers: “Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You’ve got male :)

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Blowing Out The Candle At Both Ends

Tuesday, October 13th, 2009

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, “Top o’ the mornin’ to ye; aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan and didn’t I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?”

She replied, “Aye, that ye did, Father.”

The Father asked, “And be there any wee little ones yet?”

She replied, “No, not yet, Father.”

The Father said, “Well now, I’m going to Rome next week, and I’ll light a candle for ye and yer husband.”

She replied, “Oh, thank ye, Father.” They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, “Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?”

She replied, “Oh, very well, Father!”

The Father asked, “And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?”

She replied, “Oh yes, Father; three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!”

The Father said, “That’s wonderful; and how is yer loving husband doing?”

She replied, “‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle!”

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Best of Blonde Intentions

Friday, October 9th, 2009

As a Boston trucker stops for a red light, a blonde driver catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says “Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.” The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!” Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says… “Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s snowing in Boston and I’m driving a SANDING TRUCK!”

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You Might Be Me If…

Thursday, October 8th, 2009

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this: You know you’re from California if:

1. Your coworker has 12 body piercings and none are visible, except when she talks.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house.

3. You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

4. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

5. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

6. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

7. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really is George Clooney.

8. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment, but is still less than your property tax.

9. You can’t remember . .is pot illegal?

10. It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station: “STORM WATCH.” (especially true in Palm Desert )

11. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers and none of them are playing games.

12. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

13. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

14. The Terminator is your governor.

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When The Glass is Half Over

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and we kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” said my wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

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Modern Day Fidelity

Tuesday, October 6th, 2009

This is a story from an engaged man: I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me… it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test… we couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

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Intelligent Design in Dog Years

Monday, October 5th, 2009

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten”

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did”?

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty”?

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But man said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back. That makes eighty, okay”?

“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. Now go forth.

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Irish Diet

Saturday, October 3rd, 2009

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks,” instructed the doctor. “The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs.!
“Why, that’s amazing!”, said the doctor. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The Irishman nodded. “I’ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.”
“From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.
“No! From the fookin’ skippin’!!”

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Why They Keep It To Three Letters

Saturday, October 3rd, 2009

150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator – Alan Pinkerton – for protection. That was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number of multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

Now we have the “Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service”. Can’t you see them now, these ‘highly trained’ men and women in their black outfits with jackets that say across the back: “F.A.T.A.S.S.

The FATASS’s are of course supervised by a special section of the Home Land Security Section known as: Airport Security Service Home Office Logistics Enhancement Section or the “A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S.”

I already feel safer.

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Words Women Use

Thursday, October 1st, 2009

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right, and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Don’t be mad about this, it is just the same 5 minutes you use when it’s your turn to help do things around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine (see #1).

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question or faint. Just say you’re welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying “%@&* YOU!”

9.) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “what’s wrong” – for the woman’s response refer to #3.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know its true!

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