Archive for November, 2009

Computer Sex

Monday, November 30th, 2009

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

“House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.”

“Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”

A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?”

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computadora”), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (“el computador”), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

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Irish Viagra

Friday, November 27th, 2009

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido. “What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.
“Not a chance,” she said. “He won’t even take an Aspirin.” “Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”
It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, ” Oh, faith, bejaysus and Begorrah! ‘Twas horrid. Just terrible, doctor!”
“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his Coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! “With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and Tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and Took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate Love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”
“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor, “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?”
“Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! ‘Twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! “But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to Show me face in Starbucks again.”

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Layover Hangover

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009

Dick & Ed were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dick said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!” Ed says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?”

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.

The next morning Dick wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!

NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It’s Ed. Ed says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?” Dick says, “I feel great. How about you?” Ed says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”

Dick says, “No that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.”

“Yeah, well there’s just one thing.” “What’s that?”

“Have you farted yet?”

“No”

“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in Denver.”

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Good Joke in Bad Taste

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye….It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought….Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you my son?”

He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business….”

“Very well my son. Please follow me.” He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, “Please knock on this door.”

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door…. This nun instructs, “Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.”

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

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Stolen Quote of the Day

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

“I think the gene pool could use a little chlorine.”
Seen on a bumper sticker

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The Zen of Sarcasm

Friday, November 20th, 2009

Or “If Murphy had been a philosopher instead of an engineer”

  1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
  2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
  3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
  4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
  5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
  6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
  9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
  10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day..
  11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
  12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
  13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
  14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
  20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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Dog Vs Cat Diaries

Friday, November 20th, 2009

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG’S DIARY

Day number 180

8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181

8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182

8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! . . . . .

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT’S DIARY

DAY 752

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.

DAY 765

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was … Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768

I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid?! My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer..” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time…

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URL: Unintentionally Regrettable Linguistics

Friday, November 20th, 2009

http://blog.usweb.com/archives/the-top-10-unintentionally-worst-company-urls/

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Welcome to Bawstin

Thursday, November 19th, 2009

Welcome to Bawstin

For those of you who have never been to “Bawstin”,this is a good guideline.
I hope you will consider coming to “Beantown” in the near future. For those who call New England home, this is just plain great!

Information on Boston and the surrounding area:

There’s no school on School Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street. Back Bay streets are in alphabetical “oddah”: Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth, etc. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D, etc. If the streets are named after trees ( e.g. Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you’re on Beacon Hill. If they’re named after poets, you’re in Wellesley.

Massachusetts Ave is Mass Ave; Commonwealth Ave is Comm Ave.
South Boston is Southie. The South End is the South End. East Boston is Eastie.
The North End is east of the former West End.
The West End and
Scollay Square are no more; a guy named Rappaport got rid of them one night.
Roxbury is The Burry, Jamaica Plain is J.P.

How to say these Massachusetts city names correctly:
**Sayitwrong, be shunned**

Worcester: Wuhsta (or Wistah)
Gloucester: Glawsta
Leicester: Lesta
Woburn: Wooban
Dedham: Dedim (like denim w/ a D in the N pace)
Revere: Re-vee-ah
Quincy: Quinzee
Tewksbury: Tooks berry
Leominster: Lemon-sta
Peabody: Peabuddy
Waltham: Walth-ham
Chatham: Chattum

Definitions:
Frappes have ice cream, milkshakes don’t.
If it is fizzy and flavored, it’s tonic.
Soda is CLUB SODA.
“Pop” is Dad.
When we want Tonic WATER, we will ask for Tonic WATER.
The smallest beer is a pint.
Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish.
If you paid more than $6/pound, you got scrod.
It’s not a water fountain; it’s a bubblah.
It’s not a trashcan; it’s a barrel.
It’s not a spucky it’s a sub.
It’s not a shopping cart; it’s a carriage.
It’s not a purse; it’s a pockabook.
They’re not franks; they’re haht dahgs.
Franks are money in France.
Police don’t drive patrol units or black and whites they drive a “crooza”.
If you take the bus, your on the “looza crooza”.
It’s not a rubber band, it’s an elastic.
It’s not a traffic circle, it’s a rotary.
“Going to the islands” means Martha’s Vineyard & Nantucket.
If something’s good, it’s “pissa”.
If something’s really good, it’s “wicked pissa”.

The Pat’s = The Patriots
The Sox = The Red Sox
The C’s = The Celtics
The B’s = The Bruins

Things not to do:
Don’t pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd … they’ll tow it to Meffa (Medford) or Slumaville (Somerville).
Don’t sleep in the Common. (Boston Common)
Don’t wear Orange in Southie on St. Patrick’s Day.
Things you should know: There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, two Hancock buildings (one old, one new for each).

The colored lights on top the old Hancock tell the wetha:
“Solid blue, clear view….”
“Flashing blue, clouds due….”
“Solid red, rain ahead….”
“Flashing red, snow instead….” – (except in summer; flashing red means the Red Sox game was rained out)

Route 128 is also I-95 south. It’s also I-93 north.
The underground train is not a subway. It’s the “T”, and it doesn’t run all night (fah chrysakes, this ain’t Noo Yawk).
Order the “cold tea” in China Town after 2:00 am you’ll get a kettle full of beer.

Bostonians… think that it’s their God-given right to cut off someone in traffic.
Bostonians…think that there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R’s).
Bostonians…think that three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.
Bostonians…refer to six inches of snow as a “dusting.”
Bostonians…always “bang a left” as soon as the light turns green and oncoming traffic always expects it.
Bostonians…say everything in town is “a five-minute walk.” (Pronounced “wok”)
Bostonians…believe that using your turn signal (blinka) is a sign of weakness.
Bostonians…think that 63-degree ocean water is warm.
Bostonians…think Rhode Island accents are annoying.

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The Hormone Hostage

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

The following is a warning I received today 🙂

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS SAFER SAFEST ULTRA SAFE
What’s for dinner? Can I help you with dinner? Where would you like to go for dinner? Here, have some wine.
Are you wearing that? Wow, you sure look good in brown! WOW! Look at you! Here, have some wine
What are you so worked up about? Could we be overreacting? Here’s my paycheck. Here, have some wine.
Should you be eating that? You know, there are a lot of apples left. Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? Here, have some wine.
What did you DO all day? I hope you didn’t over-do it today. I’ve always loved you in that robe! Here, have some more wine.

13 Things PMS Stands For:

  1. Pass My Shotgun
  2. Psychotic Mood Shift
  3. Perpetual Munching Spree
  4. Puffy Mid-Section
  5. People Make me Sick
  6. Provide Me with Sweets
  7. Pardon My Sobbing
  8. Pimples May Surface
  9. Pass My Sweat pants
  10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
  11. Plainly; Men Suck
  12. Pack My Stuff
  13. Potential Murder Suspect (my favorite one)

Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh!
…Or men who need a warning.

And remember: Money talks …. but Chocolate SINGS!!!

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