FUQ Forwards™

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.”

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?”

The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door – nose height:

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years –canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why they call it ‘fur’niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less.
2. Don’t ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Normally come when called.
5. Never ask to drive the car.
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don’t smoke or drink.
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes.
10. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and….
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Snipped from a recent discussion thread about trying an approach to something:

“Shot, I meant shot. Who thought it was a good idea to put I and O so close to one another.”

Barbie Dolls for the North Shore area market

Lynnfield Barbie: This Barbie is only sold at The Chestnut Hill Mall. She comes with an assortment of Coach and Louie Handbags, a BMW, a tea cup poodle named princess and lives in a mansion no where near Route 1. She doesn’t associate with those who live close to Lynn or Peabody line. Personally knows Randy from the Matty in the Morning show at Kiss 108. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with “augmented” version.

Revere Barbie: This tobacco smoking, platinum-dyed-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased her beer-gutted boyfriend Ken out of her triple-decker. Her make-up consists of dark red or brown lip liner with your choice of lips covered in sparkly pink or crimson. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted and brightly colored G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through halter-top. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with White Snake and an old Mustang. Sold separately are her stick-on five inch fake fingernails.

Hamilton-Wenham Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with a Lexus SUV. Shops regularly at Talbot’s. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education, having dropped out of Clark to marry Doctor hubby Ken. Her very own pony sold separately because the horse population is equal to the people population, and HW Barbie knows this. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional Juicy Couture gym outfit. Matching mani-pedi’s are a must have ritual every 2 weeks for this babe.

Lynn Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Honda Civic low-rider with spoiler and tinted windows. You have a choice of bandana color representing Crypts or Bloods. She comes complete with her own Meth Lab, or Marijuana grow, smoke ‘n sell? kit. Sold separately, but very much worth purchasing, is the how to be a Gangsta informational video. Lynn Barbie knows the smell at Lynn Beach all too well, and knows the red tide means no shell fish this year. She doesn’t care that you can’t swim at Nahant Beach . This model is available after dark on any street corner and can be paid for only in cash to her pimp Gansta boyfriend Ken in, preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you’re a cop, then we don’t know what you’re talking about.

Manchester-by-the-Sea Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with a choice of a BMW sports car or fully-loaded Hummer 2. Included are a Starbucks cup, American Express card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Boarding School Skipper, but you can’t afford them anyway. You will never catch MBTS Barbie without a nice bikini and leg wax.

Gloucester Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Levis jeans two sizes too small, with tapered legs, a Harley Davidson shirt with cut off arms and has a tattoo of some Disney character on her ankle. She has hair down to her waist, and bangs curled with a curling iron with the early 90’s waterfall to complete the look. She’s got a six pack of Bud Light and a Lynard Skynard CD in her state of the art pink disk-man. She can kick overly tattooed, unemployed, welfare accepting boyfriend Kenny doll’s ass when drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get its NASCAR bumper stickers absolutely free.

Marblehead Neck Barbie: This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard-print beach outfit, with matching cover-up, hat an d sunglasses while she drinks cosmopolitans and entertains friends at her beach house. Percocet prescription comes with. Complimentary Yacht Club membership for her and Defense Lawyer hubby Ken. She has Tiffany’s on her speed dial. Matching tennis outfit is available for each day of the week.

Rockport Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu, has long gray hair and arch less feet, Birkenstocks with wool socks, no make-up and a mutt. She prefers that you call her “Willow “.Husband Ken worked for Green Peace, and now retired, makes his own granola and sells paintings to tourists on Bear Skin Neck. Shops only at Whole Foods Market or Trader Joes and doesn’t care that she’s got a 30 min trip down 128 to get there.

Danvers Barbie: This soccer mom Barbie comes with a Suburban fully equipped with TV, VCR and DVD player and baby car seats/boosters for the eight kids permanently attached to the seat s of the vehicle. Sold with Tivas and wears them every day, to every event. This toddler toting Barbie comes with cell phone, pager, palm pilot, and is dressed in gym clothes or jeans and a fleece (with Tivas). You will never see her at the Liberty Tree Mall unless she’s at Pier One or Stop and Shop. Bumper Stickers included for honor-roll student, band student, and soccer star. Chuck E Cheese Pizza optional.

Peabody Barbie: She’s a former Tanner and still goes tanning to this day 20 years after she graduated from PVMHS. She dyes her hair blonde or black depending on the season, and what her muscle man formerly of East Boston , boyfriend Ken likes. Her Dad is a former football coach down the high school, and she worked at the North Shore Mall until she was 20. She and her former Tanner girlfriends go to Saugus once a year to the high school, to watch them get theirs handed to them every Thanksgiving. She works at City Hall doing “something” in the Clerk’s office. She drives a ’77 Camaro that has needed tires since ’78. Her favorite band is Bon Jovi and her favorite food is from Buddhas.

Salem Barbie: During the month of October she HATES tourists. ESPECIALLY the ones that claim they are a “real’ witch…..especially since she is one. In fact she was a starting forward on her high school basketball team the mascot A Salem Witch. Salem Barbie knows exactly where to go to get the best popcorn in the world? The Willows! That is also where the most entertainment in town is found. She and high school sweetheart (also a former witch) Ken own a small cape no where near the water, which was where Ken grew up. She still drinks a 30 pack a week, and so do all of her girlfriends who live down the Willows. When intoxicated from drinking too much Sam, she loves to torment the tourists. You will never find her near “The Point” and her kids hate the thought of going to Salem State because they would have to live at home. Her grandpa rents still talk about going to Almy’s and Sears and yes, she does know Laurie Cabot. On a full name basis…. you don’t want to just call her Laurie.

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there’s a “peel and win” sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor-home!”

The waitress says, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch. But the blonde keeps on screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”

Finally, the manager comes over and says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you’re mistaken. You couldn’t have possibly won a motor home because we didn’t have that as a prize.”

The blonde says, “No, it’s not a mistake. I’ve won a motor home!” And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads…

“W I N A B A G E L”

I just pass them on, I don’t write them……..