Archive for December, 2009

Convenience Banking Instructions

Thursday, December 31st, 2009

In light of the wonderful service that many of us are experiencing from recent recently aquired banks, it’s fun to have a reminder that sometimes the customer is an idiot, too.

The Right Way:

  1. Drive up to the cash machine
  2. Put down your car window
  3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
  4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
  5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
  6. Put window up
  7. Drive off

The Wrong Way (i.e., the way most people do it):

  1. Drive up to cash machine
  2. Reverse and back up the required distance to align car window with the machine
  3. Set parking brake, put the window down
  4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card
  5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
  6. Attempt to insert card into machine
  7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
  8. Insert card
  9. Re-insert card the right way
  10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
  11. Enter PIN
  12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
  13. Enter amount of cash required
  14. Check makeup in rear view mirror
  15. Retrieve cash and receipt
  16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside
  17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook
  18. Re-check makeup
  19. Drive forward 10 feet
  20. Reverse back to cash machine
  21. Retrieve card
  22. Re-empty handbag, locate cardholder, and place card into the slot provided
  23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irritated male driver waiting behind you
  24. Restart stalled engine and pull off
  25. Redial person on cell phone
  26. Drive for two miles
  27. Release Parking Brake
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The Stoned Monkey

Thursday, December 31st, 2009

A monkey is sitting in a tree while smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, “Hey! What are you doing?”

The monkey says, “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have a few joints.

After awhile the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?”

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out. So he walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing a joint, and he e looks up and says, “Hey you!”

The Monkey looks down and says, “Daaammm dude…how much water did you drink?

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Unanswerable Prayers

Tuesday, December 29th, 2009

Woman’s Prayer

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks, One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh!
Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to “how big is my behind?”
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.

Man’s Prayer

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.
Amen

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A Pond of Flesh

Tuesday, December 29th, 2009

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice: picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

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Review You

Sunday, December 27th, 2009

As a mid-level manager, I get two laughs out of these. First because I didn’t use these phrases for the reviews of my own team (though a couple worked there way into reviews I gave to other reviewers). Second, my own review is overdue and (fool that I am) I sent this list to my boss:

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”
2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
3. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
4. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
5. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
6. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
7. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
8. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
9. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
10. “He brings a lot of joy, whenever he leaves the room.”
11. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
12. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
13. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
14. “One neuron short of a synapse.”
15. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead”

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Son Of A Fish

Saturday, December 26th, 2009

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, “look at the size of that Son of A Bitch!”

“Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!”

“No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is–a Son of a Bitch Fish!”

“Really? Well, then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!”

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

“Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen.”

“Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?”

“Why, eat it of course. You’ve never tasted anything as! good as a Son of a Bitch!”

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

“Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!”

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, “Father!”

“It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is–a Son of a Bitch Fish!”

“Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?”

“Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of A Son of a Bitch.”

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. “I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch,” she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. “What are you doing Sister?”

“Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop’s dinner.”

“Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!”

“No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch fish.”

“Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you’ve finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.”

On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, “This is great fish, where did you get it?”

“I caught that Son of a Bitch!” proclaimed the proud priest. The Bishop’s eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

“And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!” exclaimed the Sister. The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.

The Friar added, “And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!”

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said, “You fuckers are my kind of people.”

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Women Are Always Right (Just Ask One)

Thursday, December 24th, 2009

I know this for a fact because my wife told me so.

Women’s Revenge
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. “So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked. “No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him.

Understanding Women (A Man’s Perspective)
I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Wife Vs Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

Words
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day… 30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

Stupid And Beautiful
A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.” The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

The Beast
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. “Be careful,” he said to his wife. “You will bring out the beast in me.” So what?” his wife shot back. “Who’s afraid of a mouse?”

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Stork Economics

Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009

One afternoon, a little girl returned home from school and announced that a friend had told her where babies come from.

Amused, her mother replied, “Why don’t you tell me all about it?”

The little girl explained, “Well, mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and then the daddy’s thingy stands up, and then the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that’s how you get babies.”

Her mother shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye-to-eye, and said, “Oh, honey, that’s sweet, but that’s not how you get babies.”

That’s how you get jewelry!”

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Replacement Windows

Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn’t paid for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me . . . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end, so I just hung up, and I haven’t heard back from him since.

Guess I won that stupid argument.

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Pay Now or Pay Later

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen’s voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King’s chief doctor.

Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer… Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s shorts. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer…

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.

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