Archive for December, 2009

Conversation Qualifiers

Thursday, December 17th, 2009

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. “You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk.”

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” says the blonde. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff — grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So tell me,” says the blonde, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

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30 Phrases I’m Likely To Utter Today

Wednesday, December 16th, 2009
  1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf— you.
  2. You say I’m a hard-ass like it’s a bad thing.
  3. Well, this day was a total waste of deodorant.
  4. Well, aren’t we a damn ray of sunshine?
  5. Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after.
  6. Do I look like a people person?
  7. This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
  8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
  9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
  10. Why don’t you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
  11. I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
  12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
  13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
  14. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
  15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t gone to sleep yet.
  16. Back off!! You’re standing in my aura.
  17. Don’t worry. I forgot your name too.
  18. I work 65 hours a week to be this poor.
  19. Not all managers are annoying. Some are dead.
  20. Wait…I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
  21. Chaos, panic and disorder. Your work here is done.
  22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
  24. Earth is full. Go home.
  25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty-bitty ego?
  26. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
  27. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.
  28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
  29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
  30. Look in my eyes … Do you see one ounce of gives-a-shit?
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Flu Shots

Tuesday, December 15th, 2009

What they say you should do to avoid the flu:

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.

An upgraded approach:

Take the doctor’s approach. Think about it… When you go for a shot, what do they do first? They clean your arm with alcohol… Why? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

So…

I walk to the liquor store (exercise).
I put lime in my Corona(fruit).
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies).
Drink outdoors on the bar patio(fresh air).
Tell jokes, laugh(eliminate stress).
Then pass out (rest) !
The way I see it…If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can’t get you!

My grandmother always said: “A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!”

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Cause And Defect

Monday, December 14th, 2009

Contributed by vijay sreenivas

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job.

He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.
He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, “You are the reason I don’t have a wife”.
He takes out a second bottle, smashes it and says “You are the reason I don’t have my children”.
He follows the third bottle with “You are the reason I lost my job”.

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says, “Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved”

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20 Signs You Live In The Digital Age

Monday, December 14th, 2009
  1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
  2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
  3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.
  4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
  5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
  6. You go home after a long day at work and still answer the phone in a business manner.
  7. You make phone calls from home and accidentally dial “9” to get an outside line.
  8. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
  9. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o’clock news.
  10. Your boss doesn’t have the ability to do your job.
  11. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
  12. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
  13. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn’t have for the first 50 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
  14. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
  15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 🙂
  16. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
  17. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
  18. You are too busy to notice there was no number 9 on this list.
  19. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a number 9 on this list.
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Time Farts When You’re Having Fun

Monday, December 14th, 2009

…Or “Why females should avoid a girl’s night out after they are married!”

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promised!”

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m. and a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really quite proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed…3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos should total to 12 cuckoos and that equals MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him at Midnight. He didn’t seem pissed off at all. Whew! I got away with that one! Then he said,

“Well, we need a new cuckoo clock.”

When I asked him why, he said, “Last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “Oh. Shit!”, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted!”

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A Few Minor Jokes

Friday, December 11th, 2009

The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they’ve passed.

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should get used to the idea.

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?” Artie said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.” Merle commented, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.” Don said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look! He’s moving!'”

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord:
“God, what does a million years mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A minute.”
Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A penny.”
Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?”
The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.” The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?” The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.” The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?” The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?” The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. “I spoke to your wife…spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?” The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”

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Train Bitch Glitch

Thursday, December 10th, 2009

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now… cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train…cause we’re going down the tracks.”

The horrified mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train..but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say…

“All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She heard her little darling continue…”For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen….”

Note: If my son did this, his sister would become an only child 🙂

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Irish Jokes

Thursday, December 10th, 2009

Since these were sent to me by my Irish wife, I feel safe posting them 🙂

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey”.

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do Father.”

The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to got to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply. “Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay pedestrians”. Then he’d allow the traffic to pass. He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted “Pedestrians” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”

“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.”

Oh yeah?”said Charlie “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” Mike replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.

“Really,” said Charles, “now that’s a switch! What did she say?”

She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shit”

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Logically Illogical Conclusions

Wednesday, December 9th, 2009

I find the coincidence delicious that an article about Congressional staffers abusing Wikipedia arrived in my inbox the same day as this wonderful list of errors in thinking:

AMAZINGLY BAD ANALOGY: You can train a dog to fetch a stick. Therefore, you can train a potato to dance.

FAULTY CAUSE AND EFFECT: On the basis of my observations, wearing huge pants makes you fat.

TOTAL LOGICAL DISCONNECTION: I enjoy pasta because my house is made of bricks.

ARGUMENT BY BIZARRE DEFINITION: He’s not a criminal. He just does things that are against the law.

ANYTHING YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND IS EASY TO DO: If you have the right tools, how hard can it be to generate nuclear fission at home.

IRRELEVANT COMPARISONS: $100 is a good price for a toaster, compared to buying a Ferrari.

REACHING BIZARRE CONCLUSIONS WITHOUT ANY INFORMATION: My car won’t start. I’m certain the spark plugs have been stolen by rogue clowns.

FAILURE TO RECOGNISE WHAT’S IMPORTANT: My house is on fire! Quick, call the post office and tell them to hold my mail!

BLAMING THE TOOL: I bought an encyclopedia but I’m still stupid.

TAKING THINGS TO THEIR ILLOGICAL CONCLUSION: If you let your barber cut your hair, they next thing you know he’ll be lopping your limbs off.

PROOF BY LACK OF EVIDENCE: I’ve never seen you drunk, so you must be one of those Amish people.

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