FUQ Forwards™

A man and a woman who have never met before, but who are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly – he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 a.m. the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am I hate to bother you but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

I have a better idea ” she replied, “Just for tonight, lets pretend we are married “.

“Wow, that’s a great idea” he exclaimed.

“Good ” she replied. “Get your own damn blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted…

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,”What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”"Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”The dad replies,”Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.” “Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?” “Those are for college men,” the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.” “WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack!

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for Married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March….”

A man walked into a tavern and sat next to a very attractive, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. “Hi there, Good Looking. How’s it going?” he asked.

The woman looked him straight in the eye and said, “Listen, I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college, and I just love it.

“No kidding?” said the man, “I’m a lawyer too! What firm are you with?”

(Have I mentioned my wife sends me most of these?)

Why Do You Think They Call It Starbucks?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says “HEBREWS”

The Sound of Her Silence

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 a.m. for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 a.m.” He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up only to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 a.m. Wake up.”

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device…a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.

“You impotent bastard,” She screamed at him, “how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!”

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: “I’ll explain the toy … you explain the kids.”

She spent the first day packing her personal belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days.

In the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit…

Repairmen refused to work in the house. .. The maid quit…

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.

She told him she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back .

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth… but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home… including the curtain rods.

A recent diagnosis of A.A.A.D.D. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. Then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I’d been drinking. I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye–they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first

I’m going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

- the car isn’t washed

- the bills aren’t paid

- there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

- the flowers don’t have enough water,

- there is still only 1 check in my check book,

- I can’t find the remote,

- I can’t find my glasses,

- and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don’t remember who the heck I’ve sent it to.

Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL. LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.

As part of his yearly physical exam, the doctor requested a sperm count from his 85-year-old male patient. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened.
The man explained: “Well, doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep. None of us could get the jar open”.