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Review You

As a mid-level manager, I get two laughs out of these. First because I didn’t use these phrases for the reviews of my own team (though a couple worked there way into reviews I gave to other reviewers). Second, my own review is overdue and (fool that I am) I sent this list to my boss:

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”
2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
3. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
4. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
5. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
6. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
7. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
8. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
9. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
10. “He brings a lot of joy, whenever he leaves the room.”
11. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
12. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
13. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
14. “One neuron short of a synapse.”
15. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead”


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