Archive for January, 2010

My Bloody Valentine for the 21st Century

Thursday, January 28th, 2010

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. ‘Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint, and we’re Jewish,’ she asks, ‘Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says: ‘No, I don’t think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?’

‘Osama Bin Laden,’ she says.

‘Why Osama Bin Laden?’ her father asks in shock.

‘Well,’ she says, ‘I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.’

Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. ‘Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.’

‘I know, ‘ Melissa says, ‘and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker.’

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Birth of a Christmas Tree Tradition

Thursday, January 28th, 2010

The original posting on my original blog went up at on a more seasonably appropriate date. However, as my current boss seems to think she is an angel for sending me from the Carolinas to Chicago for the month of January, so it still seems timely to me this morning while it is a balmy 7 degrees outside 🙂

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual Christmas run but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground scattering the toys all over the place. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw bristles.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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The Perfect Husband

Wednesday, January 27th, 2010

Ain’t no such thing 🙂

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing …. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

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Saved by the Ding Bell

Tuesday, January 26th, 2010

Sent to my by my favorite Irish lass, who got it from another…

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end..

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love… I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry… How soon can I go home?’

Happy Mental Health Day!

You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend.

…I think she meant me

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Sometimes Free is Too Much

Tuesday, January 26th, 2010

If lnowing your credit sccore is worth it, why does the spoke singer heep having the same credit problems? Can he not afford free or does what he get for free not help him at all?

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The Meaning of 42

Tuesday, January 26th, 2010

On the first day God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten.”
So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.” The monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?”

And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years..” The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I’ll give back the other forty.”

And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I’ll give you twenty years.” Man said, “What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?” “Okay,” said God, “You’ve got a deal.”
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

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Inspiration…

Monday, January 25th, 2010

…Happens when one thinks clearly about a problem for the first time despite the ingrained habit of acting stupidly.

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More Jokes About New Englanders

Monday, January 25th, 2010

If you’re proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Mt. Washington is the coldest spot in the nation, and Boston gets more snow than any other major city in the US, you might live in New England.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you might live in New England

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you might live in New England.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, you might live in New England.

If your dad’s suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in New England.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in New England.

If your town has more bars than churches, you might live in New England.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in New England.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE NEW ENGLANDER WHEN:

1. “Vacation” means going South past New York City for the weekend.

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

4. You often switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again.

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend / wife knows how to use them.

9. You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.

12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

15. Down South to you means Philadelphia.

16. A brat is something you eat.

17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new shed.

18. You go out for a fish fry every Friday.

19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

21. You find 10 degrees “a little chilly.”

22. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all Your New England friends.

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Mergers We’d Like to See

Friday, January 22nd, 2010
  1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
  2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
  3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become: MMMGood.
  4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
  5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
  6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
  7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
  8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
  9. Victoria’s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang
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You Know You’re From Massachusetts If…

Thursday, January 21st, 2010
  1. You think crosswalks are for wimps
  2. You think if someone is nice to you they either want something or they are from out of town and lost
  3. You know how to cross four lanes of traffic in five seconds
  4. You can drive to the mountains and the ocean all in one day
  5. You think it’s not actually tailgating unless you’re touching the bumper of the car in front of you
  6. You know that a yellow light means that at least five more cars can get through and a red one means two more can
  7. The transportation system is known as the “T”
  8. You could own a small town in Iowa for the cost of your house
  9. Subway is a fast food place
  10. There are 24 Dunkin Donuts shops within 15 minutes of your house
  11. When people talk about “The Curse Of The Bambino” you know what they’re talking about and believe it too (although there is no-longer a curse) You believe using your turn signals gives away your plan to the enemy
  12. If you stay on the same road long enough it eventually has three different names
  13. Someone has honked at you because you didn’t peel out the second the light turned green
  14. You have honked at someone because they didn’t peel out the second the light turned green
  15. All the potholes just add to the excitement of driving
  16. Stop signs mean slow down a little, but only if you want to
  17. Six inches of snow is considered a dusting
  18. Three days of 90 degree heat is definitely a “heat wave”, 63 degrees is “on the warm side”
  19. You cringe every time you hear some actor/actress imitate the “Boston Accent” on TV or in a movie, if you don’t have it then you’re never going to get it even if you were born here
  20. At the ice cream shop you call chocolate sprinkles “jimmies”
  21. You can go from one side of town to the other in less than fifteen minutes.
  22. The person in front of you is going 70 MPH and you’re cursing them for going too slow
  23. You know how to pronounce towns like Worcester, Haverhill, and Cotuit
  24. You know what they sell at a “packie”
  25. You have never been to Cheers
  26. You’ve slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater
  27. You keep an ice scraper in your car all year round
  28. You know if you don’t like the weather, all you have to do is wait and it will change.
  29. You know what a frappe is
  30. Paranoia sets in when you can’t see an ATM or CVS
  31. You’ve pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left turn
  32. You’ve bragged about saving money at The Christmas Tree Shop
  33. You know what “regular coffee” is
  34. You can navigate a rotary without a problem
  35. You have been to Fenway Park
  36. You refer to the New York Yankees as the devil
  37. You ! feel the rest of the world needs to drive more like you
  38. When someone calls you a “Masshole” you take it as a compliment
  39. You use the words “wicked” and “good” in the same sentence
  40. You never say “Cape Cod” you say “the cape”
  41. You went to Old Sturbridge Village and Plymouth Plantation in elementary school
  42. You know the Mass Pike is some strange weather dividing line
  43. You have survived the big dig
  44. You almost feel disappointed when someone doesn’t flip you off when you cut them off or steal their parking space
  45. You actually understand all these jokes.
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