FUQ Forwards™

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, “You want chocolate with that?”

And Man said, “Yes!” and Woman said, “and as long as you’re at it, add some sprinkles.” And they gained 10 po unds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.” And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it “Angel Food Cake,” and said, “It is good.” Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil’s Food.”

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean bee 14.

So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.” And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it “Angel Food Cake,” and said, “It is good.” Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil’s Food.”

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

The

Old age ain’t no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-

Inside every older lady is a younger lady wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)- I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-

A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t.
-Rhonda Hansome-

The phrase “working mother” is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

If you can’t be a good example — then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Bu ckley-

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb — and I’m also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-

I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-

One day a Scotsman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.” And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Scotsman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years,” replied the amazed Scotsman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag.

“Faith and begorrah,” said the man, “that is so good I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Irish whiskey?” asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.” Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.

“‘Tis nectar of the gods!” stated the Scotsman. “‘Tis truly fantastic!!!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked,

“And how long has it been since you played around?”

With tears in his eyes, the Scotsman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Sweet Jesus! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”

Customer Service Rep: Yes, Ma’am, how can I help you today?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install love. Can you guide me through the process? CS Rep: Yes, I can help you. Are you ready to proceed? Customer: Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready to install now. What do I do first?

CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma’am?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several other programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep: What programs are running ma’am?

Customer: Let’s see, I have PAST-HURT.EXE, LOW-ESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGH- ESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma’am?

Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

CS Rep: Yes. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Heart’s in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops. I have.COM running right now.

CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGH- ESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma’am?

Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

CS Rep: Yes. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Heart’s in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops. I have an error message already. What should I do?

CS Rep: What does the message say?

Customer: It says “ERROR 412 – PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS.” What does that mean?

CS Rep: Don’t worry ma’am, that’s a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in nontechnical terms it means you have to “LOVE” your own machine before it can “LOVE” others.

Customer: So what should I do?

CS Rep: Can you pull down the directory called “SELF-ACCEPTANCE”?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

CS Rep: Excellent. You’re getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

CS Rep: You’re welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the “MYHEART” directory: FORGIVE-SELF.DOC, REALIZE-WORTH.TXT, and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any programming. Also, you need to delete VERBOSE-SELF-CRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that PEACE.EXE, and CONTE

Recently a “Husband Super Store” opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands…

First floor. The door had a sign saying “These men have jobs and love kids”

The women read the sign and said, “Well, that’s better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up they went.

Second floor. The sign read “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.” “Hmmm,” said the ladies, “But, I wonder what’s further up?”

Third floor. This sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.”

“Wow,” said the women, “Very tempting.” But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor. This door had a sign saying “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.”

“Oh, mercy me,” they cried, “Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor. The sign on that door said, “This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f*cking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs.”

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side…You know what?”

“What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck, get the hell away from me

Forward from my lovely wife…who has been looking at my thumbs all day

“A will is a dead giveaway.”

The Human Body! Very informative!

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man’s penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

(Sent in by my sister-in-law who has managed to reproduce 4 times with the same male…go figure)

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?” He yelled back, “Mississippi State.”

And they say blondes are dumb…

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world” The woman says, “I’ll miss you…”

“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”

“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.

He said – Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said – Well, you succeeded.

He said – Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said – That’s a good idea… you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said – What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said – Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60′s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.. Whoosh…immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

A WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST: * She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. * Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. * Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. * Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. * And her husband is on the back of the milk carton

A PRAYER….

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.

AMEN

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 &your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it. ”

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”

Little Patrick told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!”

A cruise ship had hired a magician to entertain the passengers. Since the passengers changed every four or five days, the magician was able to perform the same tricks over and over.

Unfortunately, the Captain of the ship had a parrot who sat around and watched the magician perform his tricks, over and over. Eventually, the parrot learned how the tricks were done and would interrupt the act.

“It’s in his sleeve” the parrot would say. “He switched balls.”

“It’s in his pocket.” Etc., etc.

Naturally, the magician was quite disturbed by the parrot but could do nothing about it, since it belonged to the Captain.

Unfortunately, the cruise ship had the misfortune of hitting an iceberg and sank to the bottom of the sea in a matter of minutes. As fate would have it, the magician and the parrot managed to grab hold of the same floating piece of furniture.

For 3 days, neither said anything. The magician stared at the parrot and the parrot stared back. Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot cracked and said: “OK, I give up, where did you put the fucking ship?”