Archive for February, 2010

Don’t Drive in Boston Unless You Know This

Sunday, February 28th, 2010

Boston is a mishmosh of 17th-century cow paths and 19th-century landfill penned in by water. You know, “One if by land, two if by sea.” Charlestown? Cahn’t get theyah from heah.

And which Warren Street do you want? We have three plus three Warren Avenues, three Warren Squares, a Warren Park, and a Warren Place.

Pay no attention to the street names. There’s no school on School Street, no court on Court street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street. Back Bay streets are in alphabetical odda. Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D.

If the streets are named after trees (Walnut,Chestnut,Cedar,)you’re on Beacon Hill.

If they’re named after poets, you’re in Wellesley.

Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie is Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain. Readville doesn’t exist.

The North-East-South-West thing: Southie is South Boston. The South End is the South End. The North End is east of the West End. The West End is no more. A guy named Rappaport got rid of it one night. Eastie is East Boston. The East End is Boston Harbor.

There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, two Hancock buildings.

There’s also a Boston Latin School and a Boston Latin Academy. How should we know which one you mean?

Route 128 is also I-95. It is also I-93.

The Harvard Bridge goes to MIT. It’s measured in ‘smoots.’

The subway doesn’t run all night. This isn’t Noo Yawk.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedintumblrmail

Boston Cuisine

Friday, February 26th, 2010
  • Boston cream pie is a cake.
  • Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don’t.
  • Chowdah does not come with tomatoes.
  • Soda is club soda. Pop is Dad. If it’s fizzy and flavored, it’s tonic.
  • When we mean tonic water, we say tonic water.
  • Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish.
  • If you paid more than $6 a pound, you got scrod.
  • It ain’t a water fountain, it’s a bubblah.
  • Brown bread comes in a can. You open both ends, push it out, heat it and eat it with baked beans.
  • They’re hot dogs. Franks were people who lived in France in the ninth century.
Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedintumblrmail

Gardening Tip

Thursday, February 25th, 2010

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?” The gentlemen responded “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

Well, the woman was so impressed she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedintumblrmail

Trivia

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

1. The first couple to be shown in bed together- Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

2. Coca-Cola was originally green.

3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

4. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

5. The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

6. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

— now get this…

7. The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

8. The cost of raising a medium size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

9. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour:

61,000

10. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

11. The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

12. The youngest pope was 11 years old.

13. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

14. Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

15. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history.
Spades – King David
Hearts – Charlemagne
Clubs – Alexander the Great
Diamonds – Julius Caesar

16. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedintumblrmail

More Trivia

Monday, February 22nd, 2010

17. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.

If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

18. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.

20. “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

21. Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine that make them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.

22. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Super bowl.

23. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game.

24. How about this…. The nursery rhyme “Ring around the Rosey” is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores (“Ring around the rosey…”), these sores would smell very bad, so common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously) so that they would cover the smell of the sores (“…a pocket full of posies…”). People who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease (“…ashes, ashes, we all fall down!”).

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.

Q. What separates “60 Minutes,” on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter “A”?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father’s Day

Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedintumblrmail

Good Questions

Monday, February 22nd, 2010
  • Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouths closed?
  • Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery!”?
  • Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
  • Why is a boxing ring square?
  • Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after you use it?
  • Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
  • Why is what doctors do called “practice”?
  • Why is it rain drops, but snow falls?
  • Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish-washing liquid made with real lemons?
  • Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedintumblrmail

Life’s Reflections

Sunday, February 21st, 2010
  1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
  2. I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
  3. I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
  4. I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
  5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
  6. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
  7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
  8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
  9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
  10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
  11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
  12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
  13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
  14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, “Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” I said “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.”
  15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedintumblrmail

Absolute Truths That Most Women Won’t Accept

Friday, February 19th, 2010
  • Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Longhair is always more attractive than short hair.
  • If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  • If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.
  • Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
  • If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
  • Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
  • Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
  • Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
  • Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  • Shopping is not a sport, and no, we’re never going to think of it that way.
  • If we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
  • You have enough clothes. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
  • Crying is blackmail.
  • Ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this one: Subtle hints don’t work. Strong hints don’t work. Really obvious hints don’t work. Just say it!
  • No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. You need to mark anniversaries on the calendar so we know.
  • Peeing standing up is more difficult. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
  • Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
  • Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for.
  • A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
  • Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
  • Shopping is not a sport, and no, we’re never going to think of it that way.
  • If we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
  • You have enough clothes. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
  • Crying is blackmail.
  • Ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this one: Subtle hints don’t work. Strong hints don’t work. Really obvious hints don’t work. Just say it!
  • No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. You need to mark anniversaries on the calendar so we know.
  • Peeing standing up is more difficult. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
  • Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
  • Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for.
  • A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
  • Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
  • Check your oil. The dipstick is for real and not a comment about you.
  • It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.
  • Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
  • If something we said can be taken two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or mad, we meant the other one.
  • Let us ogle. We’re going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
  • You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.
  • Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  • ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
  • If it itches, it will be scratched.
  • Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
  • If we ask what’s wrong and you say nothing, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you’re lying, but it’s just not worth the hassle.
  • We don’t know what the hell a doily is and whatli>
  • Check your oil. The dipstick is for real and not a comment about you.
  • It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.
  • Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
  • If something we said can be taken two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or mad, we meant the other one.
  • Let us ogle. We’re going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
  • You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.
  • Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  • ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
  • If it itches, it will be scratched.
  • Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
  • If we ask what’s wrong and you say nothing, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you’re lying, but it’s just not worth the hassle.
  • We don’t know what the hell a doily is and what it is used for.
Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedintumblrmail

Hamlet’s Cat’s Soliloquy

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

To go outside, and there perchance to stay
Or to remain within, that is the question:
Whether ’tis better for a cat to suffer
The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
That Nature rains on those who roam abroad,
Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
And so by dozing melt the solid hours
That clog the clock’s bright gears with sullen time
And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare
Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state
A wish to venture forth without delay,
Then when the portal’s opened up, to stand
As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep;
To choose not knowing when we may once more
Our readmittance gain: aye, there’s the hairball;
For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,
Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
And going out and coming in were made
As simple as the breaking of a bowl,
What cat would bear the household’s petty plagues,
The cook’s well-practiced kicks, the butler’s broom,
The infant’s careless pokes, the tickled ears,
The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks
That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,
He might his exodus or entrance make
With a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear,
Or strays trespassing from a neighbor’s yard,
But that the dread of our unheeded cries
And scratches at a barricaded door
No claw can open up, dispels our nerve
And makes us rather bear our humans’ faults
Than run away to unguessed miseries?
Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;
And thus the bristling hair of resolution
Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,
And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
We pause upon the threshold of decision.
Shakespaw

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedintumblrmail

Technical Support Take 2

Wednesday, February 17th, 2010

Editors’ note: I’m pulling old posts from my old blog one at a time in reverse order, so some of the “take 2” and “part 2” will make sense if you read this in reverse order sometime in the future 🙂

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner Dancing 7.5, Cruise Ship 2.3, and Opera Night 6.1 and installs, undesirable programs such as Poker Night 1.3,

Football Night 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this is all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.

Signed,
Desperate Wife

Dear Desperate Wife,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create “Snoring Loudly” wave files.

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These applications are not supported and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1.

Signed,
Tech Support.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedintumblrmail