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Absolute Truths That Most Women Won’t Accept

  • Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Longhair is always more attractive than short hair.
  • If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  • If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.
  • Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
  • If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
  • Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
  • Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
  • Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
  • Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  • Shopping is not a sport, and no, we’re never going to think of it that way.
  • If we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
  • You have enough clothes. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
  • Crying is blackmail.
  • Ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this one: Subtle hints don’t work. Strong hints don’t work. Really obvious hints don’t work. Just say it!
  • No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. You need to mark anniversaries on the calendar so we know.
  • Peeing standing up is more difficult. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
  • Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
  • Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for.
  • A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
  • Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
  • Shopping is not a sport, and no, we’re never going to think of it that way.
  • If we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
  • You have enough clothes. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
  • Crying is blackmail.
  • Ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this one: Subtle hints don’t work. Strong hints don’t work. Really obvious hints don’t work. Just say it!
  • No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. You need to mark anniversaries on the calendar so we know.
  • Peeing standing up is more difficult. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
  • Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
  • Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for.
  • A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
  • Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
  • Check your oil. The dipstick is for real and not a comment about you.
  • It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.
  • Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
  • If something we said can be taken two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or mad, we meant the other one.
  • Let us ogle. We’re going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
  • You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.
  • Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  • ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
  • If it itches, it will be scratched.
  • Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
  • If we ask what’s wrong and you say nothing, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you’re lying, but it’s just not worth the hassle.
  • We don’t know what the hell a doily is and whatli>
  • Check your oil. The dipstick is for real and not a comment about you.
  • It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.
  • Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
  • If something we said can be taken two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or mad, we meant the other one.
  • Let us ogle. We’re going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
  • You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.
  • Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  • ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
  • If it itches, it will be scratched.
  • Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
  • If we ask what’s wrong and you say nothing, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you’re lying, but it’s just not worth the hassle.
  • We don’t know what the hell a doily is and what it is used for.
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