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Don’t Drive in Boston Unless You Know This

Boston is a mishmosh of 17th-century cow paths and 19th-century landfill penned in by water. You know, “One if by land, two if by sea.” Charlestown? Cahn’t get theyah from heah.

And which Warren Street do you want? We have three plus three Warren Avenues, three Warren Squares, a Warren Park, and a Warren Place.

Pay no attention to the street names. There’s no school on School Street, no court on Court street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street. Back Bay streets are in alphabetical odda. Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D.

If the streets are named after trees (Walnut,Chestnut,Cedar,)you’re on Beacon Hill.

If they’re named after poets, you’re in Wellesley.

Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie is Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain. Readville doesn’t exist.

The North-East-South-West thing: Southie is South Boston. The South End is the South End. The North End is east of the West End. The West End is no more. A guy named Rappaport got rid of it one night. Eastie is East Boston. The East End is Boston Harbor.

There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, two Hancock buildings.

There’s also a Boston Latin School and a Boston Latin Academy. How should we know which one you mean?

Route 128 is also I-95. It is also I-93.

The Harvard Bridge goes to MIT. It’s measured in ‘smoots.’

The subway doesn’t run all night. This isn’t Noo Yawk.

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