Archive for February, 2010

Assicons

Saturday, February 13th, 2010

We all know those cute little computer symbols called “emoticons”, where

🙂 means a smile and 🙁 is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by 🙂 and 🙁 respectively.

Well, how about some “assicons”?

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^^o_) a wise ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass

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Ball Req’er

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

Editor’s note: If you think they are talking about rodents, you are too young to be reading this blog 🙂

I don’t know how they wrote this with a straight face. This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness…This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor! (Especially note last sentence…)

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Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit.) Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

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11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

Monday, February 8th, 2010

11. No one ever steals your chair.
10. Gives bad hair day a whole new meaning.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.
7. So that you can add Exotic Dancer to your exaggerated resume.
6. You want to see if it’s like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy guys from looking down your blouse.
4. I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person.
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

and (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00am.”

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If They Had A (Stereotypical) Jewish Mother…

Sunday, February 7th, 2010

They may have heard something like this:

MONA LISA’S JEWISH MOTHER: “After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?”

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS’ JEWISH MOTHER: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you didn’t call, you didn’t write.”

MICHELANGELO’S JEWISH MOTHER: “A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?”

NAPOLEON’S JEWISH MOTHER: “You’re not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!”

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S JEWISH MOTHER: “Again with that hat! Why can’t you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S JEWISH MOTHER: “Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

THOMAS EDISON’S JEWISH MOTHER: “Okay, so I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!”

PAUL REVERE’S JEWISH MOTHER: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!”

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S JEWISH MOTHER: “Your senior photograph and you couldn’t have done something with your hair?”

MOSES’ JEWISH MOTHER: “Desert, schmesert!! Where have you really been for the last forty years?”

BILL GATES’ JEWISH MOTHER: “It would have killed you to become a doctor?”

BILL CLINTON’S JEWISH MOTHER: “Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica!”

(editor’s note: I added the “Stereotypical” as the person who came up with this is probably not aware that some of these people really did have a Jewish mother)

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Shower Styles

Saturday, February 6th, 2010

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

  1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
  2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
  3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no).Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
  4. Get in the shower.
  5. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth (you don’t use one).
  6. Wash your face.
  7. Wash your armpits.
  8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
  9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
  10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
  11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
  12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
  13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
  14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
  15. Pee (in the shower).
  16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
  17. Partially dry off.
  18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire wiener size again.
  19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
  20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
  21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the woo-woo sound again.
  22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

  1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
  2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
  3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror — make mental note — must do more sit-ups.
  4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
  5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
  6. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
  7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
  8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
  9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
  10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).
  11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
  12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
  13. Turn off the shower.
  14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
  15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
  16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.
  17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
  18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend and hour and a half getting dressed.
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Genesis Awakenings

Saturday, February 6th, 2010

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.

Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

“Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?”

When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Mary Margaret .

The Nun said, “Very good” and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”

But she didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, “Very good,” and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question…

“What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted,

“If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”

The Nun fainted

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Measuring The Speed of Life

Monday, February 1st, 2010

A calendar as measuring device would be called an oldometer.

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New Element Discovered in Cambridge to be Included in the Periodic Table

Monday, February 1st, 2010

The Cavendish Nuclear Physics Department of the University of Cambridge has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 – 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each re-organization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration! .

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that absorbs just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

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