Archive for March, 2010

Blonde Cowboy

Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

Forwarded by several brunette women

Finally, a blonde joke about a man!

Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat and his boots. So the sheriff arrests him for ‘indecent exposure’.

As he is locking him up, he asks “Why in the world are you dressed like this?”

“Well it’s like this Sheriff… I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her so I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt. So I did…. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did… Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts. So I did… Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, “Now go to town cowboy ..!”

“So here I am!”

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Cat Quotes

Tuesday, March 30th, 2010

“Cats don’t like change without their consent.” – Roger A. Caras

“Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many different ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.” – Joseph Wood Krutch

“Of all the toys available, none is better designed than the owner himself. A large multipurpose plaything, its parts can be made to move in almost any direction. It comes completely assembled and it makes a sound when you jump on it.” – Stephen Baker

“If I called her she would pretend not to hear, but would come a few moments later when it could appear that she had thought of doing so first.” – Arthur Weigall

“As one who has long been a pushover for cats, I should like to offer a packet of color – fast, preshrunk advice: If a stray kitten bounds out of nowhere when you’re taking a walk, meows piteously, and rubs a soft shoulder against your leg, flee to the hills until the danger is over.” – Murray Robinson

“Even if you have just destroyed a Ming vase, purr. Usually all will be forgiven.”- Lenny Rubenstein

“A cat is a puzzle for which there is one solution.” – Hazel Nicholson

“Most cats, when they are Out want to be In, and vice versa, and often simultaneously.” – Louis J. Camuti, D.V.M.

“The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer.” – Paula Poundstone

“Cats always know whether people like or dislike them. They do not always care enough to do anything about it.” – Winifred Carriere

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More Cat Quotes

Monday, March 29th, 2010

“If a cat spoke, it would say things like, “Hey, I don’t see the problem here.” – Roy Blount, Jr.
“If cats could talk, they wouldn’t.” – Nan Porter

“In a cat’s eyes, all things belong to cats.” -English Proverb

“No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape can ever totally remove his fur from your couch.” – Leo Dworken

“There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.” – Unknown

“Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.” – Anonymous

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” – Jeff Valdez

“As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.” – Ellen Perry Berkeley

“One cat just leads to another.” – Ernest Hemingway

“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.” – Mary Bly

“People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.” – Faith Resnick

“There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.” – Anonymous

“I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.” – Hippolyte Taine

There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.” – Albert Schweitzer

“The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.” – Ernest Menaul

“Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.” – Unknown

“Time spent with cats is never wasted.” – Colette

“Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.” – Missy Dizick

“You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats.” – Colonial American proverb

“Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.” – Joseph Wood Krutch

“Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.” – John S. Nichols

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The “Two-Cow Explanation” Of What Makes…

Sunday, March 28th, 2010

A CHRISTIAN: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don’t know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan “countryside” and they both die. You blame the godless American infidels.

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20 Bumpers Stickers Just For Women

Saturday, March 27th, 2010
  1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
  2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
  3. IF THEY DON’T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN’T GOING.
  4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
  5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.
  6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
  7. DON’T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
  8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
  9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
  10. I’M OUT OF ESTROGEN – AND I HAVE A GUN.
  11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE…WHO CARES?
  12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES
  13. AND YOUR POINT IS?
  14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
  15. OF COURSE I DON’T LOOK BUSY…I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
  16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
  17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT,SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
  18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
  19. I’M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
  20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON’T GO AWAY?
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The Good Old Days

Friday, March 26th, 2010

Close your eyes…And go back…
Before the Internet or the MAC
Before semi automatics and crack
Before SEGA or Super Nintendo…
Way back…
I’m talking about hide-and-go seek at dusk. Red light, Green light and dodge-ball until your porch light came on.
Mother May I?
Red Rover
Hula Hoops
Running through the sprinkler
Happy Meals
Wait…
Watching Saturday Morning cartoons like He-Man in your Super Man Underoos
Playing Dukes of Hazard
Catching lightning bugs in a jar
Christmas morning…
Your first day of school
Bedtime Prayers and Goodnight Kisses
Climbing trees
Getting an Ice Cream off the Ice Cream Truck
A million mosquito bites
and sticky fingers
Jumping down the steps
Jumping on the bed
Pillow fights
Running ’til you were out of breath
Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt
Being tired from playing…
Your first crush…
Rainy days at school meant playing “Heads up 7Up” in the classroom.
Remember that?
I’m not finished yet…
Kool-aid was the drink of summer
Toting your friends on your handle bars
Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school
Class Field Trips
When nearly everyone’s mom was at home when the kids got there.
When a quarter seemed like a fair allowance, and another quarter a miracle.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When your parents took you to McDonalds and you were so cool.
When being sent to the principal’s office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn’t because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! And some of us are still afraid of them!!!
Didn’t that feel good, just to go back and say, “Yeah, I remember that!”
There’s nothing like the good old days! They were good then and they’re good now when we think about them.
Share some of these thoughts with a friend who can relate, then share it with someone that mislassroom.
Remember that?
I’m not finished yet…
Kool-aid was the drink of summer
Toting your friends on your handle bars
Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school
Class Field Trips
When nearly everyone’s mom was at home when the kids got there.
When a quarter seemed like a fair allowance, and another quarter a miracle.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When your parents took you to McDonalds and you were so cool.
When being sent to the principal’s office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn’t because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! And some of us are still afraid of them!!!
Didn’t that feel good, just to go back and say, “Yeah, I remember that!”
There’s nothing like the good old days! They were good then and they’re good now when we think about them.
Share some of these thoughts with a friend who can relate, then share it with someone that missed out on them.
I want to go back to the time when…
Decisions were made by going “eeny-meeny-miney-mo”
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, “do over!”
“Race issue” meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn’t odd to have two or three “best” friends.
Being old, referred to anyone over 20.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the “big people” rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a “double-dog-dare”
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
Water balloons were the ultimate, ultimate weapon.
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!!
Pass thissed out on them.
I want to go back to the time when…
Decisions were made by going “eeny-meeny-miney-mo”
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, “do over!”
“Race issue” meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn’t odd to have two or three “best” friends.
Being old, referred to anyone over 20.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the “big people” rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a “double-dog-dare”
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
Water balloons were the ultimate, ultimate weapon.
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!!
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their “grown up” life…
I DOUBLE DOG DARE YA

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My Mother The Wife

Wednesday, March 24th, 2010

A WOMAN’S POEM

He didn’t like the casserole

And he didn’t like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard..

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn’t perk the coffee right

He didn’t like the stew,

I didn’t mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him…

Like his mother used to do.

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The Best Sex Quips Ever

Wednesday, March 24th, 2010

That was the title of the email. You be the judge


I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” Steve Martin

“You know ‘that look women get’ when they want sex? …….me neither.” Drew Carey

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damned good.” Woody Allen

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” Unknown

“If it weren’t for pickpockets I’d have no sex life at all.” Rodney Dangerfield

“My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet.” Bill Kelly

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” Woody Allen

“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.” George Burns

“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” Matt Barry

“Life is a sexually transmitted disease.” Unknown

“My kid had sex with your honor student.” Bumper Sticker

“My sexual preference is not you.” Tshirt

“Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.” Woody Allen

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.” Henry Miller

“The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.” Lynn Lavner

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.” P. J. ORourke

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” George Burns

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Vacation Planning

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2010

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn’t get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Earline with me.

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How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Sunday, March 21st, 2010

Golden Retriever The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that damned stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

-Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark……

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I’ve got this hangover…..

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there….

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle….

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb?

Hound Dog: Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z z z z z z z z

Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is how long will it be before I can expect light?

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