Archive for April, 2010

Sign Seen on Truck Today

Friday, April 30th, 2010

Beer. The reason I get up every afternoon.

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The Plan

Thursday, April 29th, 2010

In The Beginning There Was The Plan.
And Then Came The Assumptions.
And The Assumptions Were Without Form.
And The Plan Was Completely Without Substance.
This Brought The Darkness Onto The Face Of The Workers.
And They Spoketh Amongst Themselves Saying,
“It Is A Crock Of Shit And It Stinketh”.
And the Workers Went Unto Their Supervisors and Sayeth,
“It Is A Pail Of Dung And None May Abide Its Strength”
And The Supervisors Went Unto Their Managers And Sayeth Unto Them,
“It Is A Container Of Excrement And It Is Very Strong, Such That None
May Abide Its Strength”
And The Managers Went Unto Their Directors And Sayeth Unto Them,
“It Is A Vessel Of Fertilizer, And None May Abide Its Strength”.
And The Directors Spoketh Amongst Themselves Saying To One Another,
“It Contains That Which Aids Plant Growth, And It Is Very Strong”.
And The Directors Went Unto The Vice Presidents And Sayeth Unto Them,
“It Promotes Growth And Is Very Powerful”.
And The Vice Presidents Went Unto The President And Sayeth Unto Him,
“This New Plan Will Actively Promote The Growth And Efficiency Of This
Company, And Labor Cannot Dispute It”.
And The President Looked Upon The Plan And Saw That It Was Good.
And The Plan Became Policy.
And This Is How Shit Happens.

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Tehcnical Support

Wednesday, April 28th, 2010

A gem forwarded from my brother-in-law:
Subject: IT Support

Dear (IT) Technical Support:

I am desperate for some help.

I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn’t mentioned in the product brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Saturday Rugby 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall doesn’t work on this program.

Can you please help?
Joe

*****************

Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees).

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C: I APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C: I APOLOGISE a number of times but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Prada 5.0.

Do not under any circumstances infrom Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees).

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C: I APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C: I APOLOGISE a number of times but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Prada 5.0.

Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

Best of luck!

Tech Support

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Misc Quips

Tuesday, April 27th, 2010

From my other brother-in-law:
“I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.”

Sign In Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

“I got a sweater for Christmas… I wanted a screamer or a moaner.”

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

Isn’t it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t now where it’s been.”

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

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How Stupid Can You Get?

Sunday, April 25th, 2010

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS ……. Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting “Please come out and give yourself up.”

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B ? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, where the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” The man shouted, “that’s not what I said!”

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart !” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No!”, the man shouted, “This is her husband!”

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED !!! In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but fortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!).

8. THE GRAND FINALE Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn’t get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no mats Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” The man shouted, “that’s not what I said!”

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart !” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No!”, the man shouted, “This is her husband!”

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED !!! In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but fortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!).

8. THE GRAND FINALE Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn’t get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER … THIS IS TRUE …
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

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Fifth Grade Morals

Friday, April 23rd, 2010

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.

Ernie, do you have a story to share?’

Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.’

‘Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?’

‘Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking’

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Marriage Classes for Men

Wednesday, April 21st, 2010

TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man. That’s right you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an associates degree in MA (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the courses available. All are required for graduation, including the electives.

MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at A.M.
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn’t End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What’s Hers is Hers
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You’re Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don’t Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say Yes, Dear
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her

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The Cat’s New Year’s Resolutions

Monday, April 19th, 2010

My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans’ bed while they’re trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty as I sit in my water bowl.

I will not intrude on my human’s candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot.

When it rains, it will be raining she wakes up.

I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

There are two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don’t have to act as if I’ve just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in the window.

I will not play dead cat on the stairs while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

I will not swat repeatedly at my human’s head when she’s on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are NOT a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I am a walking static generator. My human doesn’t need my help installing a new board in her computer.

I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

Any critter that lives in the house, stay in the house and any wild critters stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren’t laughing so hard.

The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.

I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.

I will learn to relax at the vet’s office so they will start writing things in my records like Good Kitty and Sweet Kitty instead of the stuff that’s there now like MEAN!! BITER!!! and GET HELP!!!!!

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.

I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.

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How’s your memory?

Sunday, April 18th, 2010

More double-entries, more apologies…

I am sending this on because it ended with a double dog dare to pass it on. If you remember what that means, you understand. If you don’t know what that means, read on and see what you missed. And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and young enough not to care. How many do you remember?

1. Candy cigarettes
2. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
3. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.
4. Coffee shops with table side juke boxes
5. Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers.
7. Party lines.
8. Newsreels before the movie.
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix …(Drexel-5505)
12. Pea shooters.
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM Records
15. Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi’s
17. Metal ice cube trays-with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue Flash Bulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork pop guns
23. Drive ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
26. The Fuller Brush man
27. Reel-to-reel tape recorders
28. Tinker toys
29. The Erector Set
30. The Fort Apache Play set
31. Lincoln Logs
32. 15 cent McDonald hamburgers
33. 5 cent packs of baseball cards…with that awful pink slab of bubble gum
34. Penny candy
35. 35 cent-a-gallon gasoline

A TIME WHEN …

* Decisions were made by going eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
* Mistakes were corrected! by simply exclaiming do over!
* Race issue meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
* Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
* It wasn’t odd to have two or three best friends.
* The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
* Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
* A foot of snow was a dream come true.
* Saturday morning cartoons weren’t 30-minute ads for action figures.
* Oly-oly-oxen-free made perfect sense.
* Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause 0A18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue Flash Bulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork pop guns
23. Drive ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
26. The Fuller Brush man
27. Reel-to-reel tape recorders
28. Tinker toys
29. The Erector Set
30. The Fort Apache Play set
31. Lincoln Logs
32. 15 cent McDonald hamburgers
33. 5 cent packs of baseball cards…with that awful pink slab of bubble gum
34. Penny candy
35. 35 cent-a-gallon gasoline

A TIME WHEN …

* Decisions were made by going eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
* Mistakes were corrected! by simply exclaiming do over!
* Race issue meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
* Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
* It wasn’t odd to have two or three best friends.
* The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
* Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
* A foot of snow was a dream come true.
* Saturday morning cartoons weren’t 30-minute ads for action figures.
* Oly-oly-oxen-free made perfect sense.
* Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles.
* The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
* War was a card game.
* Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
* Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
* Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
* If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!
* Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their grown up life…

I double dog dare ya!

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Deep Thoughts…

Sunday, April 18th, 2010

….by Jack Handey (maybe?)

The next time you’re having a bad day, imagine this:

You’re a Siamese twin.
Your brother, attached at your shoulder is gay and
you’re not. But you only have the one ass.

Feel better?

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