From my other brother-in-law:
“I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.”
Sign In Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
“I got a sweater for Christmas… I wanted a screamer or a moaner.”
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
Isn’t it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?
“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”
Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t now where it’s been.”
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
