Archive for May, 2010

The “F” Word

Sunday, May 30th, 2010

There are the only ten times in history where the “F” word has been considered acceptable for use …they are as follows:

10. “What the @#$% was that?” – Mayor Of Hiroshima,1945

9. “Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?” – Custer, 1877

8. “Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.” – Einstein, 1938

7. “It does so @#$%ing look like her!” – Picasso, 1926

6. “How the @#$% did you work that out?” – Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. “You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?” – Michelangelo, 1566

4. “Where the @#$% are we?” – Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. “Scattered @#$%ing showers….My ass!” – Noah, 4314 BC

2. “Aw c’mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?” Bill Clinton, 1999

And … drum roll …

1. “Geez, I didn’t think they’d get this @%#*^ing mad.” Osama Bin Laden,2001

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Stock Tip

Saturday, May 29th, 2010

Pfizer Corp. (PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as-is or as a mixer, under the name “Mount and Do.”

Pepsi’s proposed ad campaign suggests: “It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.”

Recommendation: BUY

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Extreme Bumper Stickers

Thursday, May 27th, 2010
  • Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
  • Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!
  • God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
  • I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.
  • I wasn’t born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
  • Keep honking while I reload.
  • Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!
  • Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
  • Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
  • Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park.
  • EARTH FIRST! We’ll strip-mine the other planets later.
  • Your child may be an honor student but you’re still an idiot.
  • If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.
  • If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
  • Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
  • Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
  • Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
  • Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
  • My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her…or something like that.
  • Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
  • Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.
  • If we are what we eat; I’m cheap, fast, and easy.
  • Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
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Irish Flood Victims

Wednesday, May 26th, 2010

From my Irish spouse who forwarded from her Irish friend, including the original text:

If this doesn’t tug at your heart strings nothing will.

We’ve all seen the faces of those ravaged by the floods of Sri Lanka and New Orleans ….

This “award-winning” photograph of the recent flood waters rising in Ireland captures the horror and suffering there.

Keep these people in your thoughts and prayers.

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Love and Marriage

Wednesday, May 26th, 2010

This is from the now-deceased badjokes mailing list:
Love is holding hands in the street
Marriage is holding arguments in the street

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant
Marriage is Chinese take-out

Love is cuddling on a sofa
Marriage is deciding on a sofa

Love is talking about having children
Marriage is talking about getting away from children

Love is going to bed early
Marriage is going to sleep early

Love is a romantic drive
Marriage is a tarmac drive

Love is losing your appetite
Marriage is losing your figure

Love is sweet nothings in the ear
Marriage is sweet nothing’s in the bank

Love is a flickering flame
Marriage is a flickering television

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws
Marriage is “Don’t you think you’ve had enough!”

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What Hallmark Won’t Say For You…

Tuesday, May 25th, 2010

Another from the old badjokes list:
So your daughter’s a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it’s really good pay.
******************************
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire…
I noticed your cat. Sorry!
******************************
You had your bladder removed
and you’re on the mend.
Here’s a bouquet of flowers …
and a box of Depends.
******************************
Heard your wife left you!
How upset you must be.
But don’t fret about it…
She moved in with me.
******************************
Looking back over the years
that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder …
What the hell was I thinking?
******************************
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
******************************
How could two people as beautiful as you …
Have such an ugly baby?
******************************
I’ve always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you …
I’ve changed my mind.
******************************
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life…
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
******************************
As the days go by,
I think of how lucky I am …
that you’re not here to ruin it for me.
******************************
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go…
Would you like to take this
knife out of my back?
You’ll probably need it again.
******************************
Someday I hope to get married…
but not to you.
******************************
Happy birthday!
You look great for your age
… Almost Lifelike!
******************************
When we were together,
you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up,
I think it’s time you kept your promise.
******************************
I knew the day would come when
you would leave me for my best friend.
So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
******************************
We have been friends
for a very long time…
what say we stop?
******************************
I’m so miserable without you…
it’s almost like you’re here.
******************************
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who The father was?
******************************
You are such a good friend
that if we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket…
I’d miss you terribly and think of you often.
******************************
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we’re having you put to sleep.
******************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Pennsylvania and Mississippi)
******************************

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Passing Time at Work (4 of 4)

Sunday, May 23rd, 2010

OTHER TOP TIPS….

  1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
  2. Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
  3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
  4. Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it “IN.”
  5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
  6. In the subject field for all your e-mails, write ” FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS”.
  7. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
  8. Don’t use any punctuation
  9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
  10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
  11. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
  12. Sing along at the opera.
  13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
  14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
  15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
  16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
  17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!”
  18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”
  19. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity….

  20. Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
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Passing Time at Work (3 of 4)

Saturday, May 22nd, 2010

Feeling bored in the office? Looking for something new and exciting to do?

Why not initiate an office dare system – however to do it properly only you are allowed to know the dare. Sound confusing? Well read on…

FIVE POINT DARES

  1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
  2. Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
  3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Bob”.
  4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two”.
  5. After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in” the report’s on your desk, Mon”. Keep this up for one hour.
  6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
  7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”.
  8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again”.
  9. In a colleague’s diary, write in 10am: “See how I look in tights”.
  10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask “You wanna trade?”.
  11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now”.
  12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it”.
  13. Posing as a maitre d’, call a colleague and tell him he’s won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
  14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
  15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
  16. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
  17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
  18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
  19. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

And if that wasn’t enough for you…

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Passing Time at Work (2 of 4)

Friday, May 21st, 2010

Feeling bored in the office? Looking for something new and exciting to do?

Why not initiate an office dare system – however to do it properly only you are allowed to know the dare. Sound confusing? Well read on…

THREE-POINT DARES

  1. Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
  2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask them “Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it”.
  3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
  4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a ‘non-player’ within sight).
  5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
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Passing Time at Work (1 of 4)

Thursday, May 20th, 2010

Feeling bored in the office? Looking for something new and exciting to do?

Why not initiate an office dare system – however to do it properly only you are allowed to know the dare. Sound confusing? Well read on…

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES

  1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.
  2. Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other ‘non-player’ must be in the toilet at the time).
  3. Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
  4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”
  5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
  6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!”.
  7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way”.
  8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
  9. While riding the lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
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