FUQ Forwards™

Are they male or female?

SWISS ARMY KNIFE — male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS — female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs

TIRE — male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there’s the hot air part.

SPONGES — female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE — female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE — male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER — female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up — because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed — because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS — male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY — male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HAMMER — male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL — Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Number 3
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink. “The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try”. A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but do not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle”.
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Number 2
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in there a huge black dude is standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown” The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. “What’s wrong?”. The small white guy says; “Excuse me but what did you say?” The big black dude looks down and says “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.” The small white guy says, “Thank god, I thought you said, “Turn around.”
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Number 1
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.” “Yeah,” she replied,
“Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at his breakfast table together.” “I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.” “Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say…should we get naked?” Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. “You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!”

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s’ testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the IRS.”

Number 6
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

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Number 5
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked. “Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?” “Oh, Bill, you didn’t.” “Yes, I did.” “My God, Bill, what happened?” “I got fired.” “No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh…she got fired too.”

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Number4
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn’t want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: “She choked.”

Number 9
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”

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Number 8
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. What can I get you?” the bartender inquires. “I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man. “6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?” “Yeah, my first blowjob.” “Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.” “No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.

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Number7
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?” He coolly replies, “Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you.”

1. What’s the Cuban national anthem? “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”

2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him “Sum Ting Wong.”

4. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They’re hiring.

6. Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they’re not going to work in the future either.

7. What do you call an Arkansas farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.

8. Why do driver’s education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

9. What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

10. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

11. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…”

12. My, my, how time have changed. Years ago…When 100 white men chased 1 black man, we called it the KuKlux Klan; Today they call it the PGA TOUR.

13. Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one’s tall enough to go on the good rides.

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

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The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas: Things I’ve learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.ft. house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite. Ed. note: Dave Barry tested this for his column

A 3-year old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh,” it’s already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it .

A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain Leggos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

True story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, “…And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’ ” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?”

One little boy raised his hand and said, “I think he said…Holy shit! A talking pig!”

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6-year-old. “I think it’s about time we start cussing.”

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. “When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m going to say “hell” and you say “ass.” “OK!” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. “Aw hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.” WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The Mom locks him in his room & shouts “You can just stay there till I let you out!”

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? “I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios.”

My wife is a brunette, so I receive lots of blond jokes from her
A blond and a brunette are watching the 6 0′clock news, which is airing a story about a man threatening to jump off a bridge. The brunette says, “I’ll bet you $50 he jumps.” The blonde says, “Ok you’re on.”

Sure enough the man jumps. The blond starts to count out $50 when the brunette says, “I can’t take your money, I watched the 5 O’clock news and saw the man jump already.”

“No a bet is a bet”, insists the blond . “I watch the 5 O’clock news too, but I never thought he’d do it again.”

One day a man and his wife went to the zoo. While standing in front of the ape cage, the wife started “making eyes” at the biggest ape. Her husband thought this was funny and encouraged her. “Show him some shoulder, Babe,” he said. The wife slid the strap of her tank top down a little ways and made kissy lips at the ape. The big old ape started going crazy. “Show him some leg, Babe,” he said. She hiked up her skirt a little ways and the big ape started beating his chest and hollering. “Wiggle your butt for him, Babe,” he said. She started walking away from the ape cage, wiggling as she walked. The ape was really going crazy, beating his chest and hollering and really whooping it up.

The man threw his wife in the ape cage and said, “There! Tell HIM you’ve got a headache!”