Archive for June, 2010

Women, Men and Oil Changes

Wednesday, June 30th, 2010

Oil Change instructions for Women:

  1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
  2. Drink a cup of coffee.
  3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 – 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20….00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because “I gotta finish the oil change.” Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.
Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992 in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh y a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 – 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total– $4165.00

…But you know the job was done right!!

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Impressions Between the Sexes

Tuesday, June 29th, 2010

More for those who don’t know the difference between woman-think and man-think:

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Encourage her,
Believe in her,
Pray with her,
Pray for her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her Hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring food. Don’t block the T.V.

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Men’s Rules

Monday, June 28th, 2010

This came to me from by better half with the following note:
This one is not a joke. It is the truth. I think I will print it on mauve paper and hang in it in the foyer 🙂

Subject: Men’s Rules

Finally, the guys’ side of the story. We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can — to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can — to give them a bigger laugh!!

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It’s A Funny Affair Part 2

Sunday, June 27th, 2010

A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. “Certainly, Sir, that’ll be 1 cent.” “One Cent?”, exclaimed the man.

The bartender replied, “Yes.” So the man glances over at the menu and asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?” “Certainly Sir,” replies the barman, “but that comes to real money.” “How much money?” inquires the man. “4 cents,” the bartender replied. “Four Cents?”, exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?” The bartender replied, “Upstairs, with my wife.” The man says, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” The bartender replied, “The same thing as I’m doing to his business.”

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It’s A Funny Affair Part 1

Saturday, June 26th, 2010

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!".

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Kids 1, 2 and 3 (part 2)

Friday, June 25th, 2010

Activities
1st baby – You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby – You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby – You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
1st baby – The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby – Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby – You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
1st baby – You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby – You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby – You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins
1st child – When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child – When 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.
3rd child – When 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance.

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Kids 1, 2 and 3 (part 1)

Thursday, June 24th, 2010

Your Clothes
1st baby – You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OBGYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby – You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby – Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth
1st baby – You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby – You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby – You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

Worries
1st baby – At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby – You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby – You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier
1st baby – If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby – When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.
3rd baby – You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering
1st baby – You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby – You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby – You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

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Unavoidable Virus

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010

Sent in by one of my favorite former clients:
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to mostly affect those of us who were born prior to 1960.

Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished.
7. Causes you to hit “DELETE” instead of “SEND.”

It is called the “C-Nile Virus.”

Oh….my…..goodness…..I am infected!!!!!!!

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Playing the Percentages

Tuesday, June 22nd, 2010

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and, Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top.

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The Anti-Hallmark Moment

Monday, June 21st, 2010

Are you tired of all those sissy, mushy “friendship” poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship!

1. When you are sad, …I will get you drunk and will help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue, …I’ll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, …I’ll know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared, …I will rag you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried, …I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused, …I will use little words to explain.

7. When you are sick, …stay away from me until you’re well again. I don’t want whatever you have.

8. When you fall, …I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, I pledge ’til the end. Why you may ask?

Because you’re my friend!

Send this to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you can only think of two, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.

Remember: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.

Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

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