Archive for June, 2010

So Bad, It’s Good

Sunday, June 20th, 2010

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called ‘Amazon Dot Com.’ And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?” And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?” And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known “eBay” he said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.” And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “YAHOO,” said Abraham. And that is how it all began. It wasn’t Al Gore after all.

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Why Dogs Are Mans Best Friend

Saturday, June 19th, 2010
  1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
  2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
  3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
  4. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
  5. A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.
  6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
  7. A dog’s parents never visit.
  8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
  9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
  10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
  11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
  12. Dogs can’t talk.
  13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
  14. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24-hours a day.
  15. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
  16. Dogs like to go hunting.
  17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
  18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
  19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died would you get another dog?”
  20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
  21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
  22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
  23. A dog won’t hold out on you to get a new car.
  24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad, they just think it’s interesting.
  25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
  26. Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
  27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
  28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
  29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale’s or Neiman-Marcus.
  30. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half your stuff.
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Old Secrets

Friday, June 18th, 2010

Once there was a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.

“When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily.” The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

“Honey,” he said, “that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the doilies.”

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The Five Secrets to a Great Relationship

Thursday, June 17th, 2010
  1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
  2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
  3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn’t lie.
  4. It is important to find a man who’s good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
  5. It is important that these four men never meet.
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Golf Frog

Wednesday, June 16th, 2010

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman freed the frog.

The frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes — that whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!”

The woman said, “That would be okay.”

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, women will flock to him like bees to honey.”

The woman replied, “That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me. So, “KAZAM” — she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.”

The woman said, “That will be okay because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.” So, “KAZAM”-she’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don’t mess with them.

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Hormone Hostage

Tuesday, June 15th, 2010

From my sister-in-law:
Every “Hormone Hostage” knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth, and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or male child.

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo it today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe.

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN, CAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE TRASH! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

I’m sorry. What did you ask me?

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Translating Common Terms Used by Women for Men

Sunday, June 13th, 2010

FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES – This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.

NOTHING – This means something, and you should be on your toes. Nothing is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. Nothing usually signifies an argument that will last Five Minutes and end with the word Fine.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) – This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over Nothing, and will end with the word Fine.

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) – This means I give up or do what you want because I don’t care. You will get a Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing and Fine, and she will talk to you in about Five Minutes when she cools off.

THAT’S OKAY – This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. That’s Okay means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. That’s Okay is often used with the word Fine and in conjunction with a Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead. At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO – This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a That’s Okay.

THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you’re welcome.

THANKS A LOT – This is much different from Thanks. A woman will say, Thanks A Lot when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the Loud Sigh. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh, as she will only tell you Nothing.

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Inner Piece

Sunday, June 13th, 2010

“I’m passing this along to you, because it’s definitely working for me.

I think I have found inner peace. I recently read an article that said the best way to achieve inner peace is to FINISH things I had started. So, today…

I finished two large bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a fifth of vodka, a small box of chocolate candy,and I slapped the living shit out of someone I have never liked.

I feel better already. Please pass this along to a friend who is in need of inner peace.”

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Sex Frogs For Sale

Saturday, June 12th, 2010

A beautiful, well-built, young woman goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions). The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.”

The man packaged the frog and said, “Just follow the instructions carefully.” The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and put the frog down “there”.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.”

So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, “I had some complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over.”

Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.”

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”

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Night School For Men, By Women

Friday, June 11th, 2010

Classes for Men at our Local Learning Center for Adults. – SIGN UP NOW

Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.

TOPIC 1 – How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by step, with slide presentations.

TOPIC 2 – The Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow on the Holders? Round table discussion.

TOPIC 3 – Is it Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat Up and Avoiding the Floors/Walls and Nearby Bathtub? Group practice.

TOPIC 4 – Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

TOPIC 5 – The After-Dinner Dishes and Silverware: Can They Levitate and Fly into the Kitchen Sink? Examples on video.

TOPIC 6 – Loss of Identity: Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other. Help line support and support groups.

TOPIC 7 – Learning How to Find Things, Starting With Looking in the Right Place Instead of Turning the House Upside Down While Screaming. Open forum.

TOPIC 8 – Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers is NOT Harmful to Your Health. Graphics and audio tape.

TOPIC 9 – Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost. Real life testimonials.

TOPIC 10 – Is It Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly as She Parallel Parks? Driving simulation.

TOPIC 11 – Learning to Live: Base Differences Between Mother and Wife. On-line class and role playing.

TOPIC 12 – How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation, and breathing techniques.

TOPIC 13 – How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates, and Calling When You’re Going to Be Late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

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