Archive for July, 2010

Getting it Right by Not Trying

Thursday, July 29th, 2010

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”

… the teacher fainted!

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FUQ Forwards Milestone

Tuesday, July 27th, 2010

The previous post (http://humor.fywservices.com/2010/07/new-drug-announced) marks the last post from my original blog to be moved to here.

So, unless you want me to start making up my own jokes and posting them, you had better send me some more at fuqfwd@fywservices.com.

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New Drug Announced

Tuesday, July 27th, 2010

The other day a drug rep told me of a drug that her company has under development. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company.

The drug is called “Gingko Viagra”. It’s function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.

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Rules of the Road in Massachusetts

Monday, July 26th, 2010

This would explain while I drove from South Carolina to Massachusetts this summer but never once drove after I arrived…

  1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
  2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Massachusetts driver never uses them. Use of them in Boston may be illegal.
  3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
  4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow.
  5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
  6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. Massachusetts is a no-fault insurance state and the other driver has nothing to lose.
  7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.
  8. Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the backup.
  9. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Massachusetts look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the State Police Radar car parked on the median.
  10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
  11. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
  12. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Mass driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
  13. Please remember that New Hampshire is the Granite State, named so for a reason. Try to stay on the road.
  14. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even if someone is just changing a tire.
  15. Throwing litter onng a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, itr ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.
  16. Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the backup.
  17. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Massachusetts look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the State Police Radar car parked on the median.
  18. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
  19. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
  20. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Mass driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
  21. Please remember that New Hampshire is the Granite State, named so for a reason. Try to stay on the road.
  22. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even if someone is just changing a tire.
  23. Throwing litter onng a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, itr ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.
  24. Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the backup.
  25. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Massachusetts look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the State Police Radar car parked on the median.
  26. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
  27. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
  28. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Mass driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
  29. Please remember that New Hampshire is the Granite State, named so for a reason. Try to stay on the road.
  30. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even if someone is just changing a tire.
  31. Throwing litter onng a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, itr ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.
  32. Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the backup.
  33. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Massachusetts look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the State Police Radar car parked on the median.
  34. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
  35. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
  36. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Mass driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
  37. Please remember that New Hampshire is the Granite State, named so for a reason. Try to stay on the road.
  38. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even if someone is just changing a tire.
  39. Throwing litter onng a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.
  40. Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the backup.
  41. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Massachusetts look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the State Police Radar car parked on the median.
  42. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
  43. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
  44. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Mass driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
  45. Please remember that New Hampshire is the Granite State, named so for a reason. Try to stay on the road.
  46. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even if someone is just changing a tire.
  47. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway Crews something to clean up.
  48. It is assumed that State Police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need m’s a chance to stretch your legs.
  49. Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the backup.
  50. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Massachusetts look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the State Police Radar car parked on the median.
  51. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
  52. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
  53. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Mass driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
  54. Please remember that New Hampshire is the Granite State, named so for a reason. Try to stay on the road.
  55. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even if someone is just changing a tire.
  56. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway Crews something to clean up.
  57. It is assumed that State Police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need m’s a chance to stretch your legs.
  58. Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the backup.
  59. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Massachusetts look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the State Police Radar car parked on the median.
  60. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
  61. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
  62. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Mass driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
  63. Please remember that New Hampshire is the Granite State, named so for a reason. Try to stay on the road.
  64. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even if someone is just changing a tire.
  65. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway Crews something to clean up.
  66. It is assumed that State Police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need m’s a chance to stretch your legs.
  67. Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the backup.
  68. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Massachusetts look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the State Police Radar car parked on the median.
  69. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
  70. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
  71. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Mass driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
  72. Please remember that New Hampshire is the Granite State, named so for a reason. Try to stay on the road.
  73. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even if someone is just changing a tire.
  74. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway Crews something to clean up.
  75. It is assumed that State Police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need make up a few minutes in your travel.
  76. Learn to swerve abruptly. Massachusetts is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to DOT, which places potholes in various locations to test drivers’ reflexes.
  77. It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light changes.
  78. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way, except in Boston where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken.
  79. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. In Maine it is allowed to stop and then decide which direction to turn.
  80. Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
  81. Real Massachusetts female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper tra the roads adds variety to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway Crews something to clean up.
  82. It is assumed that State Police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need make up a few minutes in your traake up a few minutes in your travel.
  83. Learn to swerve abruptly. Massachusetts is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to DOT, which places potholes in various locations to test drivers’ reflexes.
  84. It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light changes.
  85. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way, except in Boston where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken.
  86. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. In Maine it is allowed to stop and then decide which direction to turn.
  87. Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
  88. Real Massachusetts female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper tra the roads adds variety to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway Crews something to clean up.
  89. It is assumed that State Police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need make up a few minutes in your travel.
  90. Learn to swerve abruptly. Massachusetts is the home of highake up a few minutes in your travel.
  91. Learn to swerve abruptly. Massachusetts is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to DOT, which places potholes in various locations to test drivers’ reflexes.
  92. It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light changes.
  93. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way, except in Boston where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken.
  94. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. In Maine it is allowed to stop and then decide which direction to turn.
  95. Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
  96. Real Massachusetts female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper tra the roads adds variety to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway Crews something to clean up.
  97. It is assumed that State Police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need make up a few minutes in your travel.
  98. Learn to swerve abruptly. Massachusetts is the home of highake up a few minutes in your travel.
  99. Learn to swerve abruptly. Massachusetts is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to DOT, which places potholes in various locations to test drivers’ reflexes.
  100. It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light changes.
  101. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way, except in Boston where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken.
  102. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. In Maine it is allowed to stop and then decide which direction to turn.
  103. Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
  104. Real Massachusetts female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper tra the roads adds variety to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway Crews something to clean up.
  105. It is assumed that State Police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need make up a few minutes in your travel.
  106. Learn to swerve abruptly. Massachusetts is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to DOT, which places potholes in various locations to test drivers’ reflexes.
  107. It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light changes.
  108. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way, except in Boston where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken.
  109. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. In Maine it is allowed to stop and then decide which direction to turn.
  110. Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
  111. Real Massachusetts female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
  112. Real Massachusetts male drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic during daylight hours.
  113. Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God’s way of ensuring a natural selection vel.
  114. Learn to swerve abruptly. Massachusetts is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to DOT, which places potholes in various locations to test drivers’ reflexes.
  115. It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light changes.
  116. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way, except in Boston where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken.
  117. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. In Maine it is allowed to stop and then decide which direction to turn.
  118. Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
  119. Real Massachusetts female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
  120. Real Massachusetts male drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic during daylight hours.
  121. Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God’s way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
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Career Choices

Sunday, July 25th, 2010

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned… couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef-figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn’t have the thyme.

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it.

So then I got a job in a gym, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

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A Poem For Computer Users Over 40

Saturday, July 24th, 2010

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash.
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
~Author unknown

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Men And Women Have Their Place in the Universe

Friday, July 23rd, 2010

God made men and women to complement each other with the unique traits each were given:

WOMEN

Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy, and laugh when they are nervous.

Women wait by the phone for a “safe at home call” from a friend, after a snowy drive home.

They are childcare workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms.

They fight for what they believe in. They stand up against injustice. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their kids into the right Schools and to get their family the right health care. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart-they know that knowledge is power.

But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.

Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in houses, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!

Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope.

They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want in return is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same for people you come in contact with.

MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy shit.

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Computer Trouble

Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

I received this gem from a client back when I serviced PCs

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?” He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but inquired nonetheless, “An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again?”

The computer guy grinned… “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”

“No,” I replied.

“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”

So I wrote out … I D I 0 T

I used to like Harold.

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To Love, Honor, and Obey

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

It’s a wife’s job to listen to her husband…

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all of my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.” So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he actually died. At the funeral parlor, he was stretched out in his casket, and his wife was sitting there, dressed all in black, next to her closest friend. When the ceremony was finished, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!”

She had a small shoebox with her. She approached her husband’s casket and gently placed the shoebox into the casket with him. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

The widow’s friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there.” To which the widow replied, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, and I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with the old skinflint?”

“I sure did,” said the widow. “I got it all together, put it into my checking account, and wrote him a check.”

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Stress Management

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

Another from my wife. Another concern on my part about hints 🙂:

When you’ve had a rough day, here’s a stress management technique that really works.

  1. Picture yourself near a stream.
  2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
  3. No one but you knows your secret place.
  4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called “the world.”
  5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
  6. The water is crystal clear.
  7. You can easily make out the face of the person you’re holding under water.
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