Archive for August, 2010

If Real Men Wrote to Advice Columns

Tuesday, August 17th, 2010

“I need your advice on something very important, and since you have the experience:

For a while know I think that my wife has been cheating on me. I see all the signs: the phone rings and hangs up when I answer it. She’s started going out with “girlfriends” and when I ask which ones, she says “some friends from work, you don’t know them”. When she comes back I always keep an eye to see if she comes back in a taxi but she always gets off at the previous corner and walks the rest of the way.

One day I picked up her mobile to use it to make a call (I’d lost mine) and she grabbed it out of my hand screaming that I shouldn’t use other peoples things without asking first. Up to now I haven’t spoken to her about these suspicions. Maybe deep inside I don’t want to know the truth.

Yesterday she went out with her “girlfriends” and I decided to check up on her. Before the time she said that she was going to return, I went out on the street and hid behind my car to see if she was coming home in a taxi or with someone else. While I was waiting for her I noticed that there was rust on my car.

So, I need your advice:  Should I take it to the dealer or go and buy stuff from Walmart and fix it myself?”

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New Twist on an Imperfect Old Joke

Sunday, August 15th, 2010

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of
the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple
and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

Answer: The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed
in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a
perfect man. ****

Women must stop reading here.  Men ONLY keep scrolling down.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident!

By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re still reading, this illustrates another very important point; Women never listen!!

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Remember When Less Was More?

Saturday, August 14th, 2010

So far in the 21st Century:

  • Our communication is Wireless
  • Our dress is Topless
  • Our telephones are Cordless
  • Our cooking is Fireless
  • Our youth are Jobless
  • Our food is Fatless
  • Our labors are Effortless
  • Our conduct is Worthless
  • Our relations are Loveless
  • Our attitude is Careless
  • Our feelings are Heartless
  • Our politics are Shameless
  • Our education is Valueless
  • Our follies are Countless
  • Our arguments are Baseless
  • Our Jobs are Thankless
  • Our Bosses are Brainless
  • and Our Salaries are …less
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10 Ways to Improve Your Telemarketing Experience

Friday, August 13th, 2010

1. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.
2. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her, if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.

3. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

4. Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

5. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.

6. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up…. louder… louder… louder!

7. If they start out with, “How are you today?”, say “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems………….”

8. Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.

9. Cry out in surprise, “Helen, is that you? I’ve been hoping you’d call! How is the family?” When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.

10. Tell the call centre guy to call on your office number – and give their competitor’s call centre number.

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But How Big is the Biscuit?

Thursday, August 12th, 2010

HR manager to interviewee: “Can you make a good cup of tea?”

Interviewee: “Oh yes. I make a very tasty cup of tea.”

HR Manager: “Can you drive a fork lift truck?”

Interviewee: “Bloody hell! How big is the tea pot?”

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Big Business

Wednesday, August 11th, 2010

A zookeeper told the human resources manager that the female gorilla was on heat, but as they had no male gorillas they needed to employ someone to have sex with her.

The HR manager duly placed an advert and subsequently interviewed the only respondent.

The HR manager confirmed: “Our Gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with her. Would you consider having sex with her for £500?”

“Well,” said the applicant, “I will on three conditions. First: I don’t have to kiss her. Second: my family and friends must never get to know. And third: can you give me a couple of weeks to get the cash together?”

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Extended Riff

Tuesday, August 10th, 2010

What is with the new Extenze pitch about its not just size, it is better and longer love-making? The ads run at times when the only guys watching can have their love-making made better with a new subscription to Hustler, replacing the ten year-old copies they stole from their father. They are probably happier if it takes less time so they can go back on-line and tell other guys how they just made it with Lara Croft again.

I think that is where the term hand held game came from.

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Zen Again…and Again

Sunday, August 8th, 2010

What happened to the Zen Buddhist when he stopped wearing shoes, eating right, and brushing his teeth?

He became a super callused fragile mystic with extensive halitosis.

Why did the Zen Buddhist decline pain killers for his cavity?

He chose to transcend dental medication.

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

What was the hot dog vendor’s reply when the Zen Buddhist asked for the money left from the $10 bill he gave him?

Change comes from within!

Finally, if a Zen Buddhist becomes totally involved with working on a computer, does he enter Nerdvana?

Which reminds me of this classic from
Dilbert.com

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Why Not to Ask How

Saturday, August 7th, 2010

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb . can of coffee,
And 1 lb . package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, “’Cause you’re ugly.”

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Verse and Chapter

Friday, August 6th, 2010

The Businessman and The Priest

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing; he had put everything he had into the business; he owed everybody–it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, “Here’s what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water’s edge, sit down in the beach Chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will riffle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer that will tell you what to do.”

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice. The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. “You did as I suggested?” he asked.

“Absolutely,” replied the businessman.

“You went to the beach?”

“Absolutely.”

“You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?”

“Absolutely.”

“You let the pages riffle until they stopped?”

“Absolutely.”

“And what were the first words you saw?”

“Chapter 11.”

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