Archive for September, 2010

A Happy Retirement

Tuesday, September 28th, 2010

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It’s called the 401-Keg Plan

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Old Sayings Made New Again

Monday, September 27th, 2010

A 1stgrade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

Strike while the…
bug is close.

It’s always darkest before…
Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of…
termites.

You can lead a horse to water but…
How?

Don’t bite the hand that…
looks dirty.

No news is…
impossible

A miss is as good as a…
Mr.

You can’t teach an old dog new…
Math

If you lie down with dogs, you’ll…
stink in the morning.

Love all, trust…
Me.

The pen is mightier than the…
pigs.

An idle mind is…….
the best way to relax.

Where there’s smoke there’s…
pollution.

Happy the bride who…
gets all the presents.

A penny saved is…..
not much.

Two’s company, three’s…
the Musketeers.

Don’t put off till tomorrow what…
you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and….
You have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as…
Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not….
spanked or grounded.

If at first you don’t succeed….
get new batteries.

You get out of something only what you….
see in the picture on the box

When the blind lead the blind…
get out of the way.

A bird in the hand….
is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

Better late than…….
Pregnant

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Religious Awakenings

Sunday, September 26th, 2010

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked “Who created the Earth and man?” The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, “GOD!” The Priest looked at him and said, “That’s right.”
Then he asked “Who is God’s son?” Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, “Jesus Christ!” Again, the priest said, “Correct.”

Finally, the priest asked, “What did Eve say to Adam when she didn’t want any more children?” The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed “Poke me with that thing one more time and I’m going to rip it off!” The priest smiled and said, “That’s right.”

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Open Wide and Say Nothing

Saturday, September 25th, 2010

A little risque for this site, but couldn’t resist

After Marsha completed a long, painful series of dental appointments she confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist …and she was going to propose to him.

Her friend said, ” Marsha you’re young,  beautiful,  and dozens of men who adore you. Why this dentist?”

“Because he is the first man that ever said to me…. spit, don’t swallow.”

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Two Frogs…Neat

Thursday, September 23rd, 2010

I finally got around to goin’ fishin’ this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without gettin’ bit. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishin’ with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

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Gator Geezer

Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned and replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

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Gallant Galahad Gag

Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he’d see if he could come up with something.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt… except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. “This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”

“Ah, sire, just observe.” said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch, “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.” After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal “short arm” inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

“Sir Galahad “, exclaimed King Arthur, “The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”

Sir Galahad was speechless.

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28 Facts About Work Life

Tuesday, September 21st, 2010
  1. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
  2. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
  3. No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
  4. The longer the title, the less important the job.
  5. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
  6. An “acceptable” level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
  7. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
  8. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one’s own.
  9. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
  10. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing.
  11. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
  12. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong – until the next person quits or is fired.
  13. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
  14. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T …).
  15. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
  16. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
  17. People are always available for work in the past tense.
  18. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
  19. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
  20. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
  21. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
  22. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
  23. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
  24. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
  25. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
  26. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
  27. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
  28. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
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Please, Not the Envelope

Monday, September 20th, 2010

Ran across this old classic on lol 🙂 Share Some Humor™ (requires free membership):

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and the CEO was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press – and Wall Street – responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.”

This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”

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Behind Every Employed Man…

Sunday, September 19th, 2010

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she assured him in her most scornful one. “You made a complete jerk of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face.”

“He’s an arrogant, self-important pig, piss on him!”

“You did. All over his suit, ” Louise informed him. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him,” said John.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

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