Archive for September, 2010

Facts vs Hot Air

Friday, September 17th, 2010

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.  She descended a bit more and shouted, ‘Excuse me sir, can you help me?  I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am.’

The man below replied, ‘You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.  You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.’

‘You must be an engineer,’ said the lady balloonist.

‘I am’, replied the man. ‘How did you know?’

‘Well, answered the balloonist, ‘everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost.  Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me at all. If anything you’ve delayed my trip even more.’

The man below responded, ‘You must be in management.’

‘I am,’ replied the lady balloonist, ‘but, how did you know?’

‘Well,’ said the man, ‘You don’t know where you are, or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air within.  You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you, to solve your problems.

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Got Soap?

Tuesday, September 14th, 2010

A woman went up up the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” he replied

“Can you get him for me?” I need to speak to him,”, she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I cant”, breathed the bartender..”is there anything I can do”

“Yes, I need you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender managed to say.

“Tell him,” she whispered. “there’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

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Frankly Wrong

Sunday, September 12th, 2010

“Hello?”

“Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy, She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

“I did it Daddy.”

“And what happened honey?” he asked.

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran  around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead”

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool, what swimming pool?  Is this 937-2819?”

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Love Handles

Friday, September 10th, 2010

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, “Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?”

His father thinking quickly said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.”

“Gee Dad that’s great,” said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!”

“What do you mean?” said Dad.

“Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, “Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming” If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!”

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Look Ma, No Hands

Thursday, September 9th, 2010

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements.

She wanted a man who would treat her nicely, wouldn’t run away from her, and would be good in bed.

Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn’t have any arms or legs.

“I’m here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can’t beat you, and I have no legs so I can’t run away from you.”

“Yes, but are you good in bed?”

“How do you think I rang the doorbell?”

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Gifts to Mother

Wednesday, September 8th, 2010

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”

The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

“Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”

“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”

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Sharing Troubles

Monday, September 6th, 2010

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

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Johnnie’s Grown Up Words

Sunday, September 5th, 2010

The kindergarten class were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten, so she asked them to use grown-up words instead of baby words. She then asked them what they had done during the summer.

The first little one said, “I went to see my Nana.”

The teacher said, “No, you went to see your grandmother. That’s the grown-up word.”

The next little one said, “I went on a trip on a choo- choo.”

The teacher again said, “No, you went on a trip on a train. That’s the grown-up word.”

Then, the teacher asked Little Johnny what he did during the summer.

Little Johnny proudly said that he read a book.

“What book did you read?” asked the teacher.

Little Johnny puffed out his chest, and in a very adult way replied, “Winnie the Shit.”

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Making it up on the Flight

Saturday, September 4th, 2010

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ‘Business trip or pleasure’?

She turned, smiled and said, ‘Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston’.

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ‘What’s your business role at this convention?’
‘Lecturer,’ she responded. ‘I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality’.

‘Really?’ he said. ‘And what kind of myths are there’?

‘Well’, she explained, ‘one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait’.

‘Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best’.

‘I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck’.

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, ‘I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name’.

‘Tonto’, the man said, ‘Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba’.

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First Names First

Friday, September 3rd, 2010

The First Sergeant noticed a new private one day and and barked at him to come into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the First Sergeant asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.

The First Sergeant scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they’re teaching troops in Basic today, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my privates by their last name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that’s all. I am to be referred to only as ‘First Sergeant.’ Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, First Sergeant!”

“Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling, First Sergeant!”

“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”

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