Archive for October, 2010

If it Weren’t a Sin…

Sunday, October 17th, 2010

A man went to see his priest and stated in a very serious tone, “Father, something horrible is happening and I must talk to you about it”.

“What is wrong, my son” asked the priest?

“My wife is poisoning me” stated the man.

The priest, very shocked by this, asked, “”How can that be”?

“I’m tell you, Father, I’m positive she’s poisoning me. What should I do” the man pleaded?

“Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know” said the priest.

A few days later, the priest called the man and said, “Well, I have spoken with your wife. We spoke on the phone for almost four hours. Do you want my advice”?

The man anxiously replied, “Yes”.

“Take the poison” said the priest!

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School Phase

Saturday, October 16th, 2010

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM : “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”

SON : “But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school.”

MOM : “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.”

SON : “One, all the chilldren hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.”

MOM : “Oh! that’s not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school.”

SON : “Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?”

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(guess what the MOM says???).

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One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities.

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Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.

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Alf Vocabularly Lesson

Monday, October 11th, 2010

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, “Can I speak to Alf, please?”

“No! There’s no one called Alf here.” The person hangs up.

“That’s irritation,” says Dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time.

“No — there’s no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police.” End of conversation.

“That’s aggravation.”

“Then what’s ‘frustration’?” asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:

“Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?”

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Really, I’m Fine

Friday, October 8th, 2010

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde .
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened.

I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie…”

“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted.

“Just answer the question.

Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…..”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.

Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde ‘s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie”.

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

“Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie,my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, “How are you feeling?”

“Now what the hell would you say?”

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A Parrot’s Bite is Worse Than Its Bark

Thursday, October 7th, 2010

Rhonda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog. He won’t bother you.

But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!” “I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”

When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!” To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”

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Keeping You Covered This Season

Wednesday, October 6th, 2010

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl Sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’  Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.’

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A Deity of All Trades

Tuesday, October 5th, 2010

A banker, a philosopher, a biologist and an architect were arguing about what God’s real profession is.

The philosopher said, “Well, first and foremost, God is a philosopher because he created the principles by which man is to live.”

“Ridiculous!” said the biologist “Before that, God created man and woman and all living things so clearly he was a biologist.”

“Wrong,” said the architect. “Before that, he created the heavens and the earth. Before the earth, there was only complete confusion and chaos!”

“Well,” said the banker, “where do you think the chaos came from?”

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Pork Belly Politics

Monday, October 4th, 2010

There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: “What do you use to feed your pigs?”

“Well, I give them table scraps, corn that can’t be sold, spoiled groceries, and things like that. Why?”

“Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don’t feed them like you should, they shouldn’t eat wastes.”

Then he fined the farmer. Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question.

The farmer answered: “Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak…why?”

“Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it’s unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat.” And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: “Well, I give a hundred bucks to each pig so they can buy whatever they want.”

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Really, It Just Seems Longer

Sunday, October 3rd, 2010

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

“Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

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Great Expectations

Saturday, October 2nd, 2010

The little sexy housewife was built so well that the TV repairman couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he’d near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he’d finished she paid him and said, “I’m going to make a . . .well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you’ll keep it a secret.”

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. “Well, it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man– sigh — he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I’m a woman and you’re a man . . . ”

The repairman could hardly speak, “Yes; yes!”

“And since I’ve been wanting to ever since you came in the door…”

“Yes; yes!”

“Would you please help me move the refrigerator?”

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