Archive for November, 2010

But I Have a Note from the Doctor!

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said,

“Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

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Yanking Your Bell

Sunday, November 28th, 2010

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.

He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.

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Who Needs Pants?

Monday, November 22nd, 2010

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, “here put these on.” She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.

“I can’t wear your pants,” she said.

“That’s right!!” said the husband, “and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!”

With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.” He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

He said, “I can’t get into your panties!”

She said, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until you change your attitude…”

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My Dream

Thursday, November 18th, 2010

Dilbert.com

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Better Than Nothing in Common?

Wednesday, November 17th, 2010

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. “Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my future wife will be put off by them.”

“No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.

“Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”

“Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.”

“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”

Her mother said simply, “Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth. Not a word,” her mother affirmed.

Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.

The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.

This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, “What on earth are you doing?”

“Oh, no!” he gasped in shock, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”

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An Oath, An Oaf and a Vow

Tuesday, November 16th, 2010

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer.

“Look, I’ll give you £100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:

“Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.” The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”

The vicar put the £100 into his hand and whispered back, “She made me a much better offer.”

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If Patients Were Like Their Profession

Sunday, November 14th, 2010

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon says, “No, I really think file clerks are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers… those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:”You’ re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable. “

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Kids Still Say the Darndest Things

Saturday, November 13th, 2010

1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah. The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God”. The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like”. Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute”.

3) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill”.

4) One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mother?” The mother replied “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white”. The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”.

5) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, She’s dead’.

6) A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face”. Yes, the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “’Cause your feet ain’t empty”.

7) The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray “Take only ONE. God is watching”. Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples”.

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Vacation Planning

Friday, November 12th, 2010

Billy Bob and Lester are talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, “Ya know, I reckon I’m about ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions on where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn’t get pregnant again!”

Lester asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Marie with me.”

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Husband 2.0 Patch

Thursday, November 11th, 2010

The title of the post refers to relating this post with Technical Support Take 2.

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands’ performance as lovers.

The first woman says ”My husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.”

The second woman says, ”My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.”

The third woman just shakes her head and says, ”My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it.”

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