Archive for March, 2011

Oh, My Schnauzer Hurts

Friday, March 25th, 2011

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.  The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some “Nair” hair remover.  At the register, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”

Andrea said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”

The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.”

Andrea replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either.  If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”

The pharmacist says, “Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.”

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It Pays to be Original

Monday, March 21st, 2011

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette  convertible out of the dealership.  Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,  enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, Pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, He saw a  Florida State Trooper , Blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette.  He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.  Today is Friday.  If you can give me a new reason for speeding–a reason I’ve never before heard — I’ll let you go.”

The old gentleman paused then said: “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a  Florida State Trooper.  I thought you were bringing her back.

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper

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Priorities

Monday, March 21st, 2011

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam..I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady. “I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.”

“But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.

I just bought this hat yesterday!”

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