Archive for the ‘Forwarded’ Category

Adult Truths

Thursday, May 19th, 2011

Ed. note: Turn this into a scoring system and those Real Age people will be out of business 🙂

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

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Competing in a High-Tech World

Wednesday, May 4th, 2011

Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.

The others looked at her questioningly. “That was my pager,” she said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, “that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”

The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.

She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The older woman finally said……….”well, will you look at that……I’m getting a fax!!”

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Oh, My Schnauzer Hurts

Friday, March 25th, 2011

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.  The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some “Nair” hair remover.  At the register, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”

Andrea said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”

The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.”

Andrea replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either.  If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”

The pharmacist says, “Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.”

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It Pays to be Original

Monday, March 21st, 2011

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette  convertible out of the dealership.  Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,  enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, Pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, He saw a  Florida State Trooper , Blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette.  He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.  Today is Friday.  If you can give me a new reason for speeding–a reason I’ve never before heard — I’ll let you go.”

The old gentleman paused then said: “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a  Florida State Trooper.  I thought you were bringing her back.

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper

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Priorities

Monday, March 21st, 2011

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam..I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady. “I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.”

“But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.

I just bought this hat yesterday!”

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Two Funny

Friday, January 21st, 2011

Two Funny

There once Was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was ‘Onestone’.

He hated That name and Asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After Years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,’ If Anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!’ The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one Day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, ‘Good Morning, Onestone.’

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next Day, until Blue Bird died from Exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one Dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village After being away.

Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed When she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’

Onestone Grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her All day, made love to her all night, made love to her all The next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

Because, as everyone knows…

You can’t kill two Birds with OneStone!!!

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When Marketing Goes Too Far

Tuesday, December 7th, 2010

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest said, ‘You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.’

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ‘And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that Rock ‘n Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.’

‘Thank you, Father,’ answered the young priest. ‘I am pleased that you are open to the New Ideas of Youth.’

‘All of these ideas have been well and good,’ said the elderly priest, ‘But I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the Drive-thru Confessional.’

‘But Father,’ protested the young priest, ‘my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!’

‘Yes,’ replied the elderly priest, ‘and I appreciate that…. But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.

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But I Have a Note from the Doctor!

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said,

“Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

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Yanking Your Bell

Sunday, November 28th, 2010

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.

He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.

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Who Needs Pants?

Monday, November 22nd, 2010

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, “here put these on.” She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.

“I can’t wear your pants,” she said.

“That’s right!!” said the husband, “and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!”

With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.” He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

He said, “I can’t get into your panties!”

She said, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until you change your attitude…”

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