FUQ Forwards™

Ok, I’ll let you guess the country of the person that sent this, as there is clearly some cultural differences shown in this shaggy dog tail:

One politician, One thief & One Programmer died & went straight to hell.
[The] Politician said “I miss my country, I want to call my country and see how everybody is doing there. She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then she asked “Well, devil how much is the call charge???
The devil says “Five million dollars” The Politician wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.
Thief was so jealous, he starts screaming, “My turn! I wanna call my group members, I want to see how everybody is doing there too”  He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked “Well, devil how much is the call charge???

The devil says “Ten million dollars” With a smug look on his [the Thief's] face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.

Programmer was even more jealous & starts screaming, “I want to call other IT person too”. He called other IT person in one of the CALL CENTER and he talked for twenty hours about various technologies and Project Managers, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked “Well, devil how much is the call charge???

The devil says “Twenty dollars”.

Programmer is stunned & says “Twenty dollars??? Only ??”

The devil says “Well, if you call from one hell to another, it’s a local call”.

A Husband and Wife, Both were very happy over the twelve pound baby boy that was born to them.

Mr. Brown who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of a famous newspaper and reported that he became the proud owner of a twelve pound nugget of gold. The editor upon hearing the seemingly extraordinary news was rather hesitant to accept it at its face value. So he sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown. When the reporter came, Mr. Brown was away and his wife was alone at home.

The following interesting conversation took place between the reporter and

Mrs. Brown:
Reporter: Does Mr. Brown Live here?
Mrs. Brown: Oh! Yes.
Reporter: Is he in?
Mrs. Brown: Why no, he went somewhere.
Reporter: Is it true that he owns a twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown: (Seeing the joke) Yes, indeed.
Reporter: Can I see the place where he found it?
Mrs. Brown: I am afraid, not because Mr. Brown objects in as much as it is
strictly private.
Reporter: Is the place far?
Mrs. Brown: No, it is quite near and convenient.
Reporter: How many years has Mr. Brown been digging the hole?
Mrs. Brown: Just for about ten months.
Reporter: Is the hole deep?
Mrs. Brown: Quite so…
Reporter: Has Mr. Brown reached the bottom of it?
Mrs. Brown: Not yet, but he is coming near…
Reporter: At about what time does Mr. Brown starts digging?
Mrs. Brown: Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.
Reporter: Does he work hard on it?
Mrs. Brown: You bet………..and how he perspires.
Reporter: Is Mr. Brown the first to dig?

Mrs. Brown: He thought he was…
Reporter: How do you know there was someone ahead of him?
Mrs. Brown: I am in a good position to say so, because I owe the place.
Reporter: Oh, I see, but you sold the place to Mr. Brown?
Mrs. Brown: No, but for the present, he has the legal title to the site, with
my consent.
Reporter: Has Mr. Brown any helper when he works on the claim?
Mrs. Brown: Yes, I work under him…
Reporter: When do you think Mr. Brown will sell the place?
Mrs. Brown: I think not because he enjoys working on it.
Reporter: Can I see the twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown: Yes, certainly (and she showed him the twelve pound baby boy).

The reporter fainted.

“I need your advice on something very important, and since you have the experience:

For a while know I think that my wife has been cheating on me. I see all the signs: the phone rings and hangs up when I answer it. She’s started going out with “girlfriends” and when I ask which ones, she says “some friends from work, you don’t know them”. When she comes back I always keep an eye to see if she comes back in a taxi but she always gets off at the previous corner and walks the rest of the way.

One day I picked up her mobile to use it to make a call (I’d lost mine) and she grabbed it out of my hand screaming that I shouldn’t use other peoples things without asking first. Up to now I haven’t spoken to her about these suspicions. Maybe deep inside I don’t want to know the truth.

Yesterday she went out with her “girlfriends” and I decided to check up on her. Before the time she said that she was going to return, I went out on the street and hid behind my car to see if she was coming home in a taxi or with someone else. While I was waiting for her I noticed that there was rust on my car.

So, I need your advice:  Should I take it to the dealer or go and buy stuff from Walmart and fix it myself?”

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of
the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple
and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

Answer: The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed
in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a
perfect man. ****

Women must stop reading here.  Men ONLY keep scrolling down.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident!

By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re still reading, this illustrates another very important point; Women never listen!!

So far in the 21st Century:

• Our communication is Wireless
• Our dress is Topless
• Our telephones are Cordless
• Our cooking is Fireless
• Our youth are Jobless
• Our food is Fatless
• Our labors are Effortless
• Our conduct is Worthless
• Our relations are Loveless
• Our attitude is Careless
• Our feelings are Heartless
• Our politics are Shameless
• Our education is Valueless
• Our follies are Countless
• Our arguments are Baseless
• Our Jobs are Thankless
• Our Bosses are Brainless
• and Our Salaries are …less

1. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.
2. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her, if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.

3. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

4. Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

5. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.

6. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up…. louder… louder… louder!

7. If they start out with, “How are you today?”, say “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems………….”

8. Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.

9. Cry out in surprise, “Helen, is that you? I’ve been hoping you’d call! How is the family?” When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.

10. Tell the call centre guy to call on your office number – and give their competitor’s call centre number.

HR manager to interviewee: “Can you make a good cup of tea?”

Interviewee: “Oh yes. I make a very tasty cup of tea.”

HR Manager: “Can you drive a fork lift truck?”

Interviewee: “Bloody hell! How big is the tea pot?”

A zookeeper told the human resources manager that the female gorilla was on heat, but as they had no male gorillas they needed to employ someone to have sex with her.

The HR manager duly placed an advert and subsequently interviewed the only respondent.

The HR manager confirmed: “Our Gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with her. Would you consider having sex with her for £500?”

“Well,” said the applicant, “I will on three conditions. First: I don’t have to kiss her. Second: my family and friends must never get to know. And third: can you give me a couple of weeks to get the cash together?”