FUQ Forwards™

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that’s bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, “Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I’m trying to help. Now think!”

The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell’s Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face”.

“Wow”, said Peter, “That’s impressive. When did this happen”?

“Oh, about 10 minutes ago”, replied the man.

In the beginning, God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.

And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

And God said – Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said – Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

And God said – Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.

And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big… And told them – Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

And God said – I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but do not use Windows.

And God said – It is not good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer’s body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.

But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User – Did God really tell you not to run any programs?

And the User answered – God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

And Bill said to the User – How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.

And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless–since Windows could replace it.

So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.

And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him–What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered–I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said – Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said – It was Bill who told us to!

And God said to Bill – Because of what you did, you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.

And God said to the User – Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.

And God said to the Programmer – Because you listened to the User, you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.

General Protection Fault

“After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local department store. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women –    she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the store…”

Dear Mrs. Nelson,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this    behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Nelson, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right    away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that    in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if    they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people    just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH    NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s    no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

************************

If you don’t send this to 12 of your dearest friends, your property taxes will go up, your stocks will go down,    and your middle will spread. (How’s that for a curse?!?) What? It’s already come true? Then send it anyway–you’ve got nothin’ to lose!

Ed.: Having had two careers where such records are kept, I find this all the funnier knowing that it is very likely very true

Pilots fill out a form called a “gripe sheet,” which tells Mechanics about problems with the aircraft. Mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight…
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers (marked with an M).

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That’s what they’re for.

P: IFF inoperative.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed

And the best one for last…

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget

The day came when Forrest Gump finally died. St. Peter greeted him and said, “Hello Forrest, we’ve been expecting you. As much as I’d like to let you in immediately, we’ve had to tighten up on our admission policies. So, I’m going to give you three questions. Get them all correct and you can enter. Otherwise, well you understand. So here are your three questions: 1. What days of the week start with the letter ‘T’? 2. How many seconds are there in a year? And 3. What is God’s first name? Now you go off and think about those, and when you’re ready come on back.”

Forrest goes away for awhile, and then returns and says, “Well Mr. Saint Peter sir, I guess I’m ready.”

St. Peter says, “OK Forrest, here’s your first question. What days of the week start with the letter ‘T’? Forrest replied, “Well Mr. Saint Peter sir, that was right easy. There’s two, Today and Tomorrow.” St. Peter said, “Well, that wasn’t quite the answer I expected, but you’re right.” He vows to correct the question.

“All right Forrest, here’s your second question. How many seconds are there in a year?” Forrest says, “Well sir, I had to think long and hard on that one, but I believe there are twelve.” St. Peter, surprised, said, “Forrest, how did you ever come up with the answer that there are twelve seconds in a year? Forrest replied, “We sir, there’s January second, there’s February second, there’s March . . .”

St. Peter interrupted, “That’s OK Forrest, I see where that one is headed. I’ll give you credit for that one too. Well, here is your final question. What is God’s first name?” Forrest replied, “That one was real easy sir. It’s Andy.” St. Peter went ballistic. “Forrest, what ever made you think God’s first name is Andy?” Forrest replied, “Well Mr. Saint Peter sir, every Sunday in church we always sing the hymn, ‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own.”

Interviewer: just imagine your in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?

Man: its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.”

Bill says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it”.

2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says, “Where did you get that, Bill?”

“Steve’s wife gave it to me.”

“That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?”

Bill says, “Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, ‘You must be Steve’s widow.’”

She said, “‘No, I’m not a widow.”

And I said, “Wanna bet me a six-pack?

There were two little boys, 8 and 10 years old, very mischievous and naughty. They were always get into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their city, their sons were probably involved.

They boy’s mother heard that a clergyman in city had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning and 10-year-old in the afternoon to see the clergyman .

The clergyman, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”.

They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God!!?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing – and they think WE did it!”

Little Tommy’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, “The 10 Most Wanted.”

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

“Yes,” said the policeman, “the detectives want him very badly.”

So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man’s belt, “Um, mister, why didn’t you keep them when you took their pictures?”

By the time the Chief pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.  “You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded, “or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant – a Marine Gunny,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Chief assured him, “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Chief came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time”, said the Chief.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Chief explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”