FUQ Forwards™

Birth:
=========
I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with!

Childhood:
=========
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back !!

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Growing up:
=========
I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

A hooker once told me she had a headache

A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.”  I went over. Nobody was home!

After marriage
=================
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee.  The only trouble was, she was coming home !!

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?”  He said, “Because you came home early.”

A farmer is sitting on the front porch of his house one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire. “Hey kid!” the farmer says, “where ya goin’ with that wire?”

“Well,” the kid drawls, “this here ain’t just any ol’ wire, this here’s chicken wire. I’m fixin’ to catch me some chickens!”

“You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” says the farmer.

“Sure I can!” the kid says, and takes off down the road.

He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he’s got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer’s sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. “Hey kid!” the farmer yells, “where ya goin’ with that tape?”

“Well, this here ain’t just any ol’ tape,” says the kid, “this here’s duck tape. I’m fixin’ to catch me some ducks!”

“You can’t catch ducks with duck tape!” says the farmer.

“Sure I can!” the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can’t believe his eyes. The kid has a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer’s sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick. “Hey kid!” the farmer says, “where ya goin’ with that stick?”

“Well, this here ain’t just any old stick,” says the kid, “this here’s pussy willow.”

“Hang on,” says the farmer, “I’ll get my hat!”

You’ve probably seen most of these before, but not assembled here:

1. Can you cry under water?
2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
3. Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
4. Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
5. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
6. What disease did cured ham actually have?
7. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
8. Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
9. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
10. Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
12. Why do doctors leave the room while you change?  They’re going to see you naked anyway.
13. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
14. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
15. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
16. If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
17. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?  They’re both dogs!
18. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
19. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
20. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
21. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
22. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
23. Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your A**?
24. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, “George, what’s the best thing I can do to help the country?”

“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” Washington advises, then fades away.

But Bush did not know exactly how ?

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, “Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to help the country?”

“Respect the Constitution, like I did,” Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

But Bush did not know exactly how ?

Bush isn’t sleeping well the third night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. “Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now, to help the country?” Bush pleads.

Abe replies: “Go see a play”.

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until we get home”.

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING….
“You are going to get it when we get home”!

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you … Don’t talk back to me”!

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me”.

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way”.

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job”.

7. My Mother taught me ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’re cold”?

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me”.

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up”.

10. My Mother taught me about SEX….
“How do you think you got here”?

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You’re just like your father”.

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born? In a barn”?

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand”.

14. And my all time favorite… JUSTICE…
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you….Then you’ll see what it’s like”

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password… Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:

P E N I S

The response from the computer shrunk his ambition:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

A man went to see his priest and stated in a very serious tone, “Father, something horrible is happening and I must talk to you about it”.

“What is wrong, my son” asked the priest?

“My wife is poisoning me” stated the man.

The priest, very shocked by this, asked, “”How can that be”?

“I’m tell you, Father, I’m positive she’s poisoning me. What should I do” the man pleaded?

“Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know” said the priest.

A few days later, the priest called the man and said, “Well, I have spoken with your wife. We spoke on the phone for almost four hours. Do you want my advice”?

The man anxiously replied, “Yes”.

“Take the poison” said the priest!

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM : “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”

SON : “But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school.”

MOM : “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.”

SON : “One, all the chilldren hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.”

MOM : “Oh! that’s not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school.”

SON : “Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?”

.

.

.

(guess what the MOM says???).

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

..

One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

..

.

.

.

..

.

Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, “Can I speak to Alf, please?”

“No! There’s no one called Alf here.” The person hangs up.

“That’s irritation,” says Dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time.

“No — there’s no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police.” End of conversation.

“That’s aggravation.”

“Then what’s ‘frustration’?” asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:

“Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?”

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde .
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened.

I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie…”

“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted.

“Just answer the question.

Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…..”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.

Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde ‘s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie”.

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

“Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie,my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, “How are you feeling?”

“Now what the hell would you say?”