FUQ Forwards™

Rhonda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog. He won’t bother you.

But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!” “I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”

When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!” To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl Sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’  Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.’

A banker, a philosopher, a biologist and an architect were arguing about what God’s real profession is.

The philosopher said, “Well, first and foremost, God is a philosopher because he created the principles by which man is to live.”

“Ridiculous!” said the biologist “Before that, God created man and woman and all living things so clearly he was a biologist.”

“Wrong,” said the architect. “Before that, he created the heavens and the earth. Before the earth, there was only complete confusion and chaos!”

“Well,” said the banker, “where do you think the chaos came from?”

There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: “What do you use to feed your pigs?”

“Well, I give them table scraps, corn that can’t be sold, spoiled groceries, and things like that. Why?”

“Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don’t feed them like you should, they shouldn’t eat wastes.”

Then he fined the farmer. Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question.

The farmer answered: “Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak…why?”

“Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it’s unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat.” And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: “Well, I give a hundred bucks to each pig so they can buy whatever they want.”

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

“Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

The little sexy housewife was built so well that the TV repairman couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he’d near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he’d finished she paid him and said, “I’m going to make a . . .well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you’ll keep it a secret.”

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. “Well, it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man– sigh — he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I’m a woman and you’re a man . . . ”

The repairman could hardly speak, “Yes; yes!”

“And since I’ve been wanting to ever since you came in the door…”

“Yes; yes!”

“Would you please help me move the refrigerator?”

Ed. note: Anyone from somewhere that gets big snow will get the subject.

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.

They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

“Sure,” said the druggist. “Every morning the six o’clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it’s too late to go back to sleep, and it’s too early to get up.”

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It’s called the 401-Keg Plan

A 1stgrade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

Strike while the…
bug is close.

It’s always darkest before…
Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of…
termites.

You can lead a horse to water but…
How?

Don’t bite the hand that…
looks dirty.

No news is…
impossible

A miss is as good as a…
Mr.

You can’t teach an old dog new…
Math

If you lie down with dogs, you’ll…
stink in the morning.

Love all, trust…
Me.

The pen is mightier than the…
pigs.

An idle mind is…….
the best way to relax.

Where there’s smoke there’s…
pollution.

Happy the bride who…
gets all the presents.

A penny saved is…..
not much.

Two’s company, three’s…
the Musketeers.

Don’t put off till tomorrow what…
you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and….
You have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as…
Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not….
spanked or grounded.

If at first you don’t succeed….
get new batteries.

You get out of something only what you….
see in the picture on the box

When the blind lead the blind…
get out of the way.

A bird in the hand….
is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

Better late than…….
Pregnant

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked “Who created the Earth and man?” The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, “GOD!” The Priest looked at him and said, “That’s right.”
Then he asked “Who is God’s son?” Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, “Jesus Christ!” Again, the priest said, “Correct.”

Finally, the priest asked, “What did Eve say to Adam when she didn’t want any more children?” The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed “Poke me with that thing one more time and I’m going to rip it off!” The priest smiled and said, “That’s right.”