Posts Tagged ‘jokes’

The Why’s of Men

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009

Another recommendation from my lovely wife who certainly wouldn’t think that I fall into this category. Would she?

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON’T MEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don’t have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don’t stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)
(You’re laughing, aren’t you?!?!)strong>

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don’t know….it never happened)
( C’mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And the personal favourite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn)

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Blonde Survival Skills

Friday, October 16th, 2009

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

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You Might Be Me If…

Thursday, October 8th, 2009

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this: You know you’re from California if:

1. Your coworker has 12 body piercings and none are visible, except when she talks.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house.

3. You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

4. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

5. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

6. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

7. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really is George Clooney.

8. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment, but is still less than your property tax.

9. You can’t remember . .is pot illegal?

10. It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station: “STORM WATCH.” (especially true in Palm Desert )

11. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers and none of them are playing games.

12. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

13. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

14. The Terminator is your governor.

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Kids Write About The Sea

Thursday, September 24th, 2009

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don’t have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)

9) I’m not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. ; (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)

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Pregancy is No Laughing Matter

Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don’t have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)

9) I’m not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. ; (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)

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Different Dictionaries

Monday, September 14th, 2009

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female …… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male ….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female …. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male …. Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION ( ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female … The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male … Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female …. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male …… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female …. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male …… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE ( flach-u-lens) n.
Female …. An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male …… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female …… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male …….. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female …. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male … A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

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Magic In The Eye of the Beholder

Tuesday, September 1st, 2009

A hillbilly family was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, ‘Paw, what’s at?’ The father responded, ‘Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my entire life.’

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous young woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, ‘Boy……………..go gitcha momma’.

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